After 30 years of marriage my wife told me tonight that she intends to file for divorce. We are both active temple-worth Latter-day Saints but over the years we’ve grown apart -- still, I never ever ever ever thought I would be getting divorced. I cried for four hours tonight. I feel such tremendous guilt for not being someone worthy of her love, guilty for not being the husband I should been.
In talking to her I learned that she’s been seeing our bishop and stake president -for some time - yet neither pulled me aside and said, “Hey fella -- you need to fix your marriage or yourself or both before it’s too late.” Perhaps she asked them to remain silent -- but it hurts knowing that I was the last to know..
BrentJanuary 14, 2018
A worthy topic. Remember that men can be targets of abuse, too. I've seen a local bishop and a stake president punish an abused husband for daring to separate and initiate divorce. They had his recommend confiscated because he didn't get their approval before filing for divorce.
He was told directly by the stake president that it is assumed that the man is the problem when marital issues occur. They couldn't accept that the man could be the one being abused.
Stacy EAugust 14, 2017
I really feel the church needs to have Divorce support groups for adults and children. I attended a local sponsored program , it had a great structure and information , helped my kids connect to other kids who's parents were divorced ... it lacked the spiritual aspect of the gospel. We live in a ward where no one else is divorced. They feel like outsiders... and sometimes I do. If the church has " over eaters" groups... they can have divorce support groups guided by the spirit and I know it could help people to stay active and feel more normal to talk with others going through it.
AnonymousJune 6, 2017
What a tremendously helpful article; I feel like it should be required reading by every member and church leader. I too feel that often the assumption is made that the female is the "victim" and the male is the "cause" of a divorce. I am a woman, but have witnessed a male member of my family treated terribly by ward members and former friends who have made assumptions (perhaps based on false statements by his ex-wife). The counsel to refrain from judging and simply offer support is very important. Thank you for providing insight into this all too common problem.
TinaJune 5, 2017
My husband was divorced about four years before I married him. He had been married in the temple, had five children, served in three different bishoprics and on the high council, and was a current temple recommend holder. There was no cheating. His former wife simply decided that she didn't want to be married to him any longer. She said that she had never loved him in the first place. He moved to a nearby apartment complex, and when he attended church for the first time, he was asked to introduce himself in the High Priest group, and he felt terrible. The last thing he wanted to do was introduce himself as a divorcee! He is not a depressed person, but he felt so depressed after his divorce that, for a time, he wanted to commit suicide. Gratefully he was loved a respected in his ward and was soon called to be a member of the bishopric, something pretty much unheard of for a single person. I'm grateful he received that calling. Otherwise I probably would not have responded to his request to date me when I moved into the ward. I had never been married before and was 19 years younger than he was. I was hesitant to date him because of the age difference. If I had not been absolutely sure he was committed to the gospel, I would never have accepted. It's pretty sad that divorcees are stigmatized. But they are. Especially the men, I think. Truly we must do everything we can to reach out to them in love and support.
SueJune 4, 2017
Very good article. The question is asked:
Why is it difficult for those who go through divorce to experience the welcoming warmth needed from church members? It is important for non-divorced members and leaders to understand this so they can make the hard landing smoother.
The Answer is: You can't feel the welcoming warmth that isn't offered to you. Ever hear of a divorced person asked to speak and introduce him/herself when they move into a new ward-- you know like how they ask the married people? I was married for 35 years. When your temple marriage falls apart it feels like some one just bombed the foundation to your whole life. I thought I built my house on a rock--oopsy-- it was sand. The people and leaders of my ward and stake were wonderful through my divorce. Then I had to move because I couldn't afford the house. I paid to have my belongings moved and placed in my new house. I didn't ask for any help nor have I ever. I went to church. The bishop after a few weeks asked me if I was really in that ward or had I read the map wrong? I was stunned. I had given him my address he could have popped it in the computer. Then I was called to the primary where all the leaders were younger women-- no one spoke to me unless they had to. The only people that spoke to me at church were my home teacher, his lovely wife, and my visiting teacher (I lived here 8 months before they assigned me a HT and VT). Thankfully, I had such good ones. I went to church for 3+ years with no one speaking to me except them. ONE of the mothers of my primary class made an effort to know me. I had no other interaction. I seriously began to believe that I was Thyphoid Mary at church. I have sat by myself in sacrament for years-- it does not bother me now and more people speak to me now.
By profession, I'm a project manager. Most meetings I attend I am independent and have no friends - but I am repsected by others due to my reputation and position. In the church -- I'm divorced, I am not respected-- there must be something wrong with me. It seems to me that welcoming warmth would have to be extended for me to feel it and believe me--not a whole lot of that was extended to me the first 5 years after my divorce. You just think that when your spouse has been excommunicted and it all goes south and you are so depressed you can barely function, that the people who should bouy you up would be your ward family. Bascially, I became a workaholic because I felt more accepted by my co-workers than members of my church. I no longer look forward to going to church - maybe that the first step to just not going.
Rachel ColemanJune 4, 2017
I especially loved the advice given to bishops in this article. I found when my bishops did some of the things mentioned in the article, it was helped immensely during a devastating time.
One major point missing from the article, however, is the fact that divorce often comes after years and years of trauma, abuse, and intense suffering. In my case, and in many other cases of divorced individuals I know, the divorce is NOT the worst part. The bad marriage was. Divorce marks the end of suffering, and can be the first step toward healing, joy, and a life where eternal progression is finally possible.
My divorce was one of the greatest blessings in my life. I was grief-stricken and devastated that my marriage wouldn't be an eternal marriage, but I had already lived with that grief for many years.
Thank you for a lovely attempt at giving us a voice to us, but I do in the end agree with your friend—those of us who have lived through it must share our own voices. Otherwise, we perpetuate damaging misconceptions about divorce that continue to keep victims of abuse in marriages when help, hope and healing could be found on the other side of divorce.
Much love to you.
ETJune 3, 2017
Great points in the article. I wish the author would have also focused more on men as victims of divorce. Through experience with someone close to me, I felt as the man, he was looked down upon by his local leaders and things were blamed on him when his spouse cheated on him. I think sometimes it's easy to see only women as victims, especially within the Church, but men are also victims and deserve as much Christlike love and attention as women.
plaza7June 3, 2017
The article does focus on the women side as as sometimes does the Church. One thing I noticed after she divorced me was I was unable as a divorced/single man to serve in every way. A divorced single woman could serve a full-time mission but not the divorced/single man.
Suzette SaxtonJune 3, 2017
I hope the author will follow up this article with one about teaching LDS children to embrace their peers who have been affected by divorce. My children have been shunned time and again, and it is a behavior they learned from their parents.
NikeJune 2, 2017
It's not worse than the death of a spouse. I've been through both. Divorce is not nearly as painful.
JenniferJune 2, 2017
Everyone's comments and suggestions are good but there is always a best. People strive desperately to belong and be supported in their lives and also feel they deserve this through their membership in the church. We are a unified people, there is no need to set yourself apart from others simply because of your life experiences. Instead of having a "divorced community" within the church, why not be part of the Church as it is and step up your own game to be Christlike and heal yourself through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. He is already our champion and all we need is Him. Once we accept this, we can be closer to the people our Heavenly Father knows we can be. Work on you!!! Be the best you that you can be! Having experienced each and every topic discussed in the above article through my own divorce and additionally the death of my child...the only true happiness came through my testimony in my Savior. Yeah...the people can really blow it with the support and acceptance of others who are struggling, as can that same someone who is struggling fall prey to judging those around them for not giving the support they want. The Savior is there, He will heal you.
KimberlyJune 2, 2017
Thank you so so much for this article! For not having personally experienced this, your insights (at least for me) are right on. I absolutely feel judged and unwelcome in my ward. Including by my leaders. Unfortunately, I have to attend the same ward as my abusive ex. I told my bishop about the abuse and he does not believe me. I also have found my greatest support from non-members, second only to my family. Women whom I considered good friends in the ward have turned their backs on me. I never imagined that I would be in this situation. I'm so thankful for my testimony or I would have absolutely left the church.
AnonymousJune 2, 2017
I loved this article. I am recently divorced after a 34 year marriage. Like Nadine, I thought we would be spending our golden years together. Divorce was the hardest thing I have ever done. I agree that death would have been easier. I was under the false impression that if a couple decided on divorce, it would be easy because it was something they wanted. In my case, even though it had to be done, it has been painful for me, my children and my grandchildren.
I am grateful for a supportive ward family. They have loved me through my darkest days. I am so blessed that I didn't have to deal with a Bishop and other Priesthood leaders that acted like some in this article.
Bob WellsJune 2, 2017
The article is excellent in many ways. I agree with others that men need support too when dealing with a divorce. Someone who listens without judgment and helps a divorcee express their feelings and sort through them is a great blessing. This doesn't take a counseling degree, just a true friend who doesn't take sides, but listens and reflects back what they are hearing. This helps the divorcee in many ways. Also, remember that even the sinner/perpetrator etc. is a real person who needs the power of the atonement in their life, both to help them change and to help them find peace. Finally, people who are not yet divorced, but who are headed in that direction need the same helps.
ChantelJune 2, 2017
I was in an emotionally and physically abusive marriage for 7 years. He was addicted to pornography and after everything left with his girlfriend. I had three young children and my ward rallied initially. They were great!! My bishop and rs president and my ward friends all came and helped me and brought food. They supported me over the months following. There were plenty of people who said rude things and assumed a lot. It was very hard. I did have to move out of that ward and it was super difficult to start over. People weren't invested in me and my kids. I felt like an outcast because I wasn't a part of a "normal family" anymore. I am now remarried and my current husband is amazing, kind to me and my kids and loyal but is not active in the church. That is a decision between him and the Lord so that is not the issue. However, I feel that all of this article could also be directed towards a partner in a marriage who goes to church without their spouse. I am treated very similarly to how I was treated when I was a single parent. Excluded in ways that are hard to explain. I am treated yet again like I do not have a "normal family". I just wish that some of these taboo things like divorce, and inactive spouses and a lot of other things would be treated like a normal situation. Thank you for this article. There quite a few things that are on point.
Jilly PratherJune 1, 2017
The article is perfect. Don is right - these articles are seldom read by those who need it most - the married ones. Compassion always. It's the salve that soothes all hurts. The very last thing I wanted was ward single activities leaders bugging me to "come out! Join the fun!" There's nothing fun at all about singles activities when you're suddenly alone and heart broken.
AnonymousJune 1, 2017
In the article it states "In the LDS church, the pains of a breakup can be compounded if a ward does not rally around the victim to offer continual loving aid." Who is the victim? The husband or the wife? If one of them do not move out of the ward or stake boundaries, it could lead to the appearance of friends or members taking sides.
I have been estranged from my wife and children for 3 years now and living in another state. I had initial support from mutual ward friends but now texts and emails are not returned. We stuck it out for 30 years like Sharon but I see the big D in the future. Even though we still love each other we just can't live together anymore. To much hurt on both sides.
I do agree that giving a touch and/or a hug is important. It is needed.
Nadine AndertonJune 1, 2017
This article is so right on! More than six years after my so-called "eternal" companion discarded me because I wasnt what he wanted after all, at the most vulnerable time of my life when we were supposed to be spending the golden years together, I am still reeling with the betrayal of trust, the financial devastation, the loneliness, etc. I wish had known of the resources mentioned here and will certainly look them up. Meanwhile, my oldest son's marriage has just fallen apart and I see devastation ahead for him as well as this wife and her child. Due to circumstances to complicated to explain, I fear he is going to be blamed by members of the ward for things that aren't what they appear to be. It is just really a tragic tale with everyone being a true victim.
DeborahJune 1, 2017
Thank you! These are great suggestions for those of us who want to help and love but may not know how. Time to bake a few casseroles! :)
Marti ScottJune 1, 2017
Having been both divorced and widowed, I can tell you being divorced is much more difficult than being widowed!
Sharon ProctorJune 1, 2017
My marriage ended after 30 years of struggle. My husband had started to leave at 14 years, but agreed to counseling and we stay together for another 16 years. Temple marriage I had expected to be my rock, and it wasn't. I didn't understand many things about my marriage until my daughter's counselor said to me, "Now that I have come to know you and ______, you spent 30 years in emotional abuse!" Emotional abuse is so hard to recognize, as it happens privately with no physical bruises or broken bones like in physical abuse as evidence. I was a victim of it and I did not recognize it until it was pointed out to me. Bishops need to realize that emotional abuse is just as devastating as physical abuse.
DonJune 1, 2017
While this article suffers somewhat from the societal norm of being written with an emphasis on the victimhood of women, I believe the author made an attempt to recognize that men are victimized in divorce as well. There are valuable nuggets of suggestions and awareness that would be beneficial for all membeers and leaders, but articles on divorce are seldom read by those not experiencing this disaster in their lives/immediate families.
TheresaJune 1, 2017
May I add in advice to the bishops. Do not immediately baptize the person our spouse was having an affair with. We have every right to be angry. We have every right to expect the support of the Church. When instead this is treated as a missionary opportunity, you degrade the Atonement of Christ.
JohnJune 1, 2017
This is surely a subject area that deserves attention. Unfortunately, it reinforces the notion that the woman is the "victim". I heard a statistic from a singles' ward bishop that 85% of men who held a temple recommend at the time of divorce were inactive 12 months later. I believe selecting a single victim and blaming the other spouse is a false paradigm that is very destructive. I believe that righteous men who have experienced divorce in the church need more understanding and support.
slJune 1, 2017
It would help prevent divorces if married people would keep their eyes and hearts off all others, and realize there are likely predators even in your own wards
Comments | Return to Story
VA DNovember 4, 2018
After 30 years of marriage my wife told me tonight that she intends to file for divorce. We are both active temple-worth Latter-day Saints but over the years we’ve grown apart -- still, I never ever ever ever thought I would be getting divorced. I cried for four hours tonight. I feel such tremendous guilt for not being someone worthy of her love, guilty for not being the husband I should been. In talking to her I learned that she’s been seeing our bishop and stake president -for some time - yet neither pulled me aside and said, “Hey fella -- you need to fix your marriage or yourself or both before it’s too late.” Perhaps she asked them to remain silent -- but it hurts knowing that I was the last to know..
BrentJanuary 14, 2018
A worthy topic. Remember that men can be targets of abuse, too. I've seen a local bishop and a stake president punish an abused husband for daring to separate and initiate divorce. They had his recommend confiscated because he didn't get their approval before filing for divorce. He was told directly by the stake president that it is assumed that the man is the problem when marital issues occur. They couldn't accept that the man could be the one being abused.
Stacy EAugust 14, 2017
I really feel the church needs to have Divorce support groups for adults and children. I attended a local sponsored program , it had a great structure and information , helped my kids connect to other kids who's parents were divorced ... it lacked the spiritual aspect of the gospel. We live in a ward where no one else is divorced. They feel like outsiders... and sometimes I do. If the church has " over eaters" groups... they can have divorce support groups guided by the spirit and I know it could help people to stay active and feel more normal to talk with others going through it.
AnonymousJune 6, 2017
What a tremendously helpful article; I feel like it should be required reading by every member and church leader. I too feel that often the assumption is made that the female is the "victim" and the male is the "cause" of a divorce. I am a woman, but have witnessed a male member of my family treated terribly by ward members and former friends who have made assumptions (perhaps based on false statements by his ex-wife). The counsel to refrain from judging and simply offer support is very important. Thank you for providing insight into this all too common problem.
TinaJune 5, 2017
My husband was divorced about four years before I married him. He had been married in the temple, had five children, served in three different bishoprics and on the high council, and was a current temple recommend holder. There was no cheating. His former wife simply decided that she didn't want to be married to him any longer. She said that she had never loved him in the first place. He moved to a nearby apartment complex, and when he attended church for the first time, he was asked to introduce himself in the High Priest group, and he felt terrible. The last thing he wanted to do was introduce himself as a divorcee! He is not a depressed person, but he felt so depressed after his divorce that, for a time, he wanted to commit suicide. Gratefully he was loved a respected in his ward and was soon called to be a member of the bishopric, something pretty much unheard of for a single person. I'm grateful he received that calling. Otherwise I probably would not have responded to his request to date me when I moved into the ward. I had never been married before and was 19 years younger than he was. I was hesitant to date him because of the age difference. If I had not been absolutely sure he was committed to the gospel, I would never have accepted. It's pretty sad that divorcees are stigmatized. But they are. Especially the men, I think. Truly we must do everything we can to reach out to them in love and support.
SueJune 4, 2017
Very good article. The question is asked: Why is it difficult for those who go through divorce to experience the welcoming warmth needed from church members? It is important for non-divorced members and leaders to understand this so they can make the hard landing smoother. The Answer is: You can't feel the welcoming warmth that isn't offered to you. Ever hear of a divorced person asked to speak and introduce him/herself when they move into a new ward-- you know like how they ask the married people? I was married for 35 years. When your temple marriage falls apart it feels like some one just bombed the foundation to your whole life. I thought I built my house on a rock--oopsy-- it was sand. The people and leaders of my ward and stake were wonderful through my divorce. Then I had to move because I couldn't afford the house. I paid to have my belongings moved and placed in my new house. I didn't ask for any help nor have I ever. I went to church. The bishop after a few weeks asked me if I was really in that ward or had I read the map wrong? I was stunned. I had given him my address he could have popped it in the computer. Then I was called to the primary where all the leaders were younger women-- no one spoke to me unless they had to. The only people that spoke to me at church were my home teacher, his lovely wife, and my visiting teacher (I lived here 8 months before they assigned me a HT and VT). Thankfully, I had such good ones. I went to church for 3+ years with no one speaking to me except them. ONE of the mothers of my primary class made an effort to know me. I had no other interaction. I seriously began to believe that I was Thyphoid Mary at church. I have sat by myself in sacrament for years-- it does not bother me now and more people speak to me now. By profession, I'm a project manager. Most meetings I attend I am independent and have no friends - but I am repsected by others due to my reputation and position. In the church -- I'm divorced, I am not respected-- there must be something wrong with me. It seems to me that welcoming warmth would have to be extended for me to feel it and believe me--not a whole lot of that was extended to me the first 5 years after my divorce. You just think that when your spouse has been excommunicted and it all goes south and you are so depressed you can barely function, that the people who should bouy you up would be your ward family. Bascially, I became a workaholic because I felt more accepted by my co-workers than members of my church. I no longer look forward to going to church - maybe that the first step to just not going.
Rachel ColemanJune 4, 2017
I especially loved the advice given to bishops in this article. I found when my bishops did some of the things mentioned in the article, it was helped immensely during a devastating time. One major point missing from the article, however, is the fact that divorce often comes after years and years of trauma, abuse, and intense suffering. In my case, and in many other cases of divorced individuals I know, the divorce is NOT the worst part. The bad marriage was. Divorce marks the end of suffering, and can be the first step toward healing, joy, and a life where eternal progression is finally possible. My divorce was one of the greatest blessings in my life. I was grief-stricken and devastated that my marriage wouldn't be an eternal marriage, but I had already lived with that grief for many years. Thank you for a lovely attempt at giving us a voice to us, but I do in the end agree with your friend—those of us who have lived through it must share our own voices. Otherwise, we perpetuate damaging misconceptions about divorce that continue to keep victims of abuse in marriages when help, hope and healing could be found on the other side of divorce. Much love to you.
ETJune 3, 2017
Great points in the article. I wish the author would have also focused more on men as victims of divorce. Through experience with someone close to me, I felt as the man, he was looked down upon by his local leaders and things were blamed on him when his spouse cheated on him. I think sometimes it's easy to see only women as victims, especially within the Church, but men are also victims and deserve as much Christlike love and attention as women.
plaza7June 3, 2017
The article does focus on the women side as as sometimes does the Church. One thing I noticed after she divorced me was I was unable as a divorced/single man to serve in every way. A divorced single woman could serve a full-time mission but not the divorced/single man.
Suzette SaxtonJune 3, 2017
I hope the author will follow up this article with one about teaching LDS children to embrace their peers who have been affected by divorce. My children have been shunned time and again, and it is a behavior they learned from their parents.
NikeJune 2, 2017
It's not worse than the death of a spouse. I've been through both. Divorce is not nearly as painful.
JenniferJune 2, 2017
Everyone's comments and suggestions are good but there is always a best. People strive desperately to belong and be supported in their lives and also feel they deserve this through their membership in the church. We are a unified people, there is no need to set yourself apart from others simply because of your life experiences. Instead of having a "divorced community" within the church, why not be part of the Church as it is and step up your own game to be Christlike and heal yourself through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. He is already our champion and all we need is Him. Once we accept this, we can be closer to the people our Heavenly Father knows we can be. Work on you!!! Be the best you that you can be! Having experienced each and every topic discussed in the above article through my own divorce and additionally the death of my child...the only true happiness came through my testimony in my Savior. Yeah...the people can really blow it with the support and acceptance of others who are struggling, as can that same someone who is struggling fall prey to judging those around them for not giving the support they want. The Savior is there, He will heal you.
KimberlyJune 2, 2017
Thank you so so much for this article! For not having personally experienced this, your insights (at least for me) are right on. I absolutely feel judged and unwelcome in my ward. Including by my leaders. Unfortunately, I have to attend the same ward as my abusive ex. I told my bishop about the abuse and he does not believe me. I also have found my greatest support from non-members, second only to my family. Women whom I considered good friends in the ward have turned their backs on me. I never imagined that I would be in this situation. I'm so thankful for my testimony or I would have absolutely left the church.
AnonymousJune 2, 2017
I loved this article. I am recently divorced after a 34 year marriage. Like Nadine, I thought we would be spending our golden years together. Divorce was the hardest thing I have ever done. I agree that death would have been easier. I was under the false impression that if a couple decided on divorce, it would be easy because it was something they wanted. In my case, even though it had to be done, it has been painful for me, my children and my grandchildren. I am grateful for a supportive ward family. They have loved me through my darkest days. I am so blessed that I didn't have to deal with a Bishop and other Priesthood leaders that acted like some in this article.
Bob WellsJune 2, 2017
The article is excellent in many ways. I agree with others that men need support too when dealing with a divorce. Someone who listens without judgment and helps a divorcee express their feelings and sort through them is a great blessing. This doesn't take a counseling degree, just a true friend who doesn't take sides, but listens and reflects back what they are hearing. This helps the divorcee in many ways. Also, remember that even the sinner/perpetrator etc. is a real person who needs the power of the atonement in their life, both to help them change and to help them find peace. Finally, people who are not yet divorced, but who are headed in that direction need the same helps.
ChantelJune 2, 2017
I was in an emotionally and physically abusive marriage for 7 years. He was addicted to pornography and after everything left with his girlfriend. I had three young children and my ward rallied initially. They were great!! My bishop and rs president and my ward friends all came and helped me and brought food. They supported me over the months following. There were plenty of people who said rude things and assumed a lot. It was very hard. I did have to move out of that ward and it was super difficult to start over. People weren't invested in me and my kids. I felt like an outcast because I wasn't a part of a "normal family" anymore. I am now remarried and my current husband is amazing, kind to me and my kids and loyal but is not active in the church. That is a decision between him and the Lord so that is not the issue. However, I feel that all of this article could also be directed towards a partner in a marriage who goes to church without their spouse. I am treated very similarly to how I was treated when I was a single parent. Excluded in ways that are hard to explain. I am treated yet again like I do not have a "normal family". I just wish that some of these taboo things like divorce, and inactive spouses and a lot of other things would be treated like a normal situation. Thank you for this article. There quite a few things that are on point.
Jilly PratherJune 1, 2017
The article is perfect. Don is right - these articles are seldom read by those who need it most - the married ones. Compassion always. It's the salve that soothes all hurts. The very last thing I wanted was ward single activities leaders bugging me to "come out! Join the fun!" There's nothing fun at all about singles activities when you're suddenly alone and heart broken.
AnonymousJune 1, 2017
In the article it states "In the LDS church, the pains of a breakup can be compounded if a ward does not rally around the victim to offer continual loving aid." Who is the victim? The husband or the wife? If one of them do not move out of the ward or stake boundaries, it could lead to the appearance of friends or members taking sides. I have been estranged from my wife and children for 3 years now and living in another state. I had initial support from mutual ward friends but now texts and emails are not returned. We stuck it out for 30 years like Sharon but I see the big D in the future. Even though we still love each other we just can't live together anymore. To much hurt on both sides. I do agree that giving a touch and/or a hug is important. It is needed.
Nadine AndertonJune 1, 2017
This article is so right on! More than six years after my so-called "eternal" companion discarded me because I wasnt what he wanted after all, at the most vulnerable time of my life when we were supposed to be spending the golden years together, I am still reeling with the betrayal of trust, the financial devastation, the loneliness, etc. I wish had known of the resources mentioned here and will certainly look them up. Meanwhile, my oldest son's marriage has just fallen apart and I see devastation ahead for him as well as this wife and her child. Due to circumstances to complicated to explain, I fear he is going to be blamed by members of the ward for things that aren't what they appear to be. It is just really a tragic tale with everyone being a true victim.
DeborahJune 1, 2017
Thank you! These are great suggestions for those of us who want to help and love but may not know how. Time to bake a few casseroles! :)
Marti ScottJune 1, 2017
Having been both divorced and widowed, I can tell you being divorced is much more difficult than being widowed!
Sharon ProctorJune 1, 2017
My marriage ended after 30 years of struggle. My husband had started to leave at 14 years, but agreed to counseling and we stay together for another 16 years. Temple marriage I had expected to be my rock, and it wasn't. I didn't understand many things about my marriage until my daughter's counselor said to me, "Now that I have come to know you and ______, you spent 30 years in emotional abuse!" Emotional abuse is so hard to recognize, as it happens privately with no physical bruises or broken bones like in physical abuse as evidence. I was a victim of it and I did not recognize it until it was pointed out to me. Bishops need to realize that emotional abuse is just as devastating as physical abuse.
DonJune 1, 2017
While this article suffers somewhat from the societal norm of being written with an emphasis on the victimhood of women, I believe the author made an attempt to recognize that men are victimized in divorce as well. There are valuable nuggets of suggestions and awareness that would be beneficial for all membeers and leaders, but articles on divorce are seldom read by those not experiencing this disaster in their lives/immediate families.
TheresaJune 1, 2017
May I add in advice to the bishops. Do not immediately baptize the person our spouse was having an affair with. We have every right to be angry. We have every right to expect the support of the Church. When instead this is treated as a missionary opportunity, you degrade the Atonement of Christ.
JohnJune 1, 2017
This is surely a subject area that deserves attention. Unfortunately, it reinforces the notion that the woman is the "victim". I heard a statistic from a singles' ward bishop that 85% of men who held a temple recommend at the time of divorce were inactive 12 months later. I believe selecting a single victim and blaming the other spouse is a false paradigm that is very destructive. I believe that righteous men who have experienced divorce in the church need more understanding and support.
slJune 1, 2017
It would help prevent divorces if married people would keep their eyes and hearts off all others, and realize there are likely predators even in your own wards
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