I agree with Ray. These are the types of people he chooses to be friends with? After his own history!?! This makes me SICK too. Him having these "friends" in his life is very telling. A "reformed" liar and cheater protecting other liars and cheaters? Keeping secrets from his wife? Helping deceive other innocent women? Doesn't sound so reformed. Hand over your phone and emails to your wife, drop the jerks from your life, and upgrade yourself by finding friends that are honorable men and husbands.
RexMay 16, 2017
I think Geoff is spot on with his response.
@EB - how is it LEGALLY WRONG for him to share the information with his wife?
@Glen Danielson - Sitting on a throne and passing judgement? What you did was no different - offering their opinion.
Glen DanielsenMay 16, 2017
So many happy to sit on a throne and pass judgement. Of course the two friends are committing awful moral sins. They are trampling on their wives' dreams and making a mockery of their lives.
But that is not the point. There is another kind of betrayal — that of friends' confidences. He is under no moral mandate to strut up to the wives and make disclosures, though the scenarios are painful to watch. Nevertheless he is not 'protecting' his buddies.
His moral task is to help his errant friends make better decisions. He is also under a moral obligation to give his own wife clear access to all his devices and internet accounts.
Glen DanielsenMay 15, 2017
Jackie May12, you are missing the point. The issue has nothing to do with gaining his wife's trust by revealing his two friends' infidelities. The need is to give his wife free and clear access to his cell phone as an act of trust. One deleting of his bad boy friends' communications, then give his wife access. He is not 'protecting' his friends! Rather, he is holding to a confidentiality. His friends are dead wrong in their lifestyles, and they will eventually pay for them. But to intimate that he *must* reveal the sad truths of others to HIS wife is nuts. Suggest you re-think your post.
Ray CongerMay 14, 2017
"Friends?" This makes me SICK!
Thank youMay 14, 2017
Thank you for your straightforward reply to this letter! I also agree with Glen Danielson's reply. Delete it all and warn the friends that any communications on this topic need to be in person because his wife will now be reading anything they transmit to him. What he actually needs to do is distance himself from them -- because of his history, when the story breaks he will be, in his wife's eyes and in the eyes of the friends' wives, Guilty by Association! I disagree that he is duty-bound to report the affairs to the respective wives -- but again, when the story breaks, he will be Guilty by Association. They may be his best friends, but Paul taught us to flee fornication (1 Corinthians 6:18). He needs to tell these friends -- "sorry, I've been down that road and have clawed my way back; I don't even want to hear about that path again." He needs to remember that we are to avoid all appearance of evil (1 Thes. 5:22) and that continued association with his cheating friends put him in their spotlight. And then he needs to plead with his friends to get off that path and return to the right path. If all persons involved are LDS, he might give thought to reporting it to the appropriate bishops for them to take action. . . . One last comment: my wife and I have been married a very long time and have never cheated. Although church leaders are hot and heavy that the wife has "the right" to the husband's passwords (one stake president told me it's my priesthood duty to give my passwords to her), my wife won't have my passwords until I have hers. But again, we have no history to warrant us monitoring each other.
JJMay 14, 2017
IMO Letting his wife read the texts and emails would only work if his wife would not be tempted to divulge it to others...especially if she knows the wives. And why would he want to drag her down with the contents of those communications? Could reading those emails drag up the pain she's already been through- by reliving his affair through their words? I would suggest that they see the Bishop or their marriage counselor and let that person see what is on the phone. He can assure his wife that it is NOT another woman and then delete the stuff and they both move on to friends who have integrity and are committed to their marriages.
EBMay 13, 2017
It's definitely not a good thing that his buddies are sharing this information with him by email. However, it was sent in the confidence that he would keep it private. It's legally wrong for him to share this info to his wife. He should delete those emails, and tell his buddies to not send anything like that again, and that he does not want to know about their misdeeds.
DoraMay 13, 2017
He should let his friends know what he is about to do. They can tell their wives or let them find out through the grapevine. Their choice.
JackieMay 12, 2017
Well said Geoff! And Glen, deleting the texts and emails and THEN letting his wife have access again does nothing to add to her feelings of security. He is not making his wife a priority, easing her concerns or strengthening his marriage by doing that. He is protecting himself and his friends. If he wants his wife's trust he needs to be an open book and offer her the opportunity to see for herself what he's been hiding from her.
Leigh AnnMay 12, 2017
I don't access my husband's e-mail or read his texts, and we have been married for almost 39 years. Neither of us has strayed, though we don't have a perfect marriage. Who does? That said, I can't imagine him cheating or wanting to hang around & communicate with a friend that was cheating or hear about it. Neither would I. Our friends are mutual friends. He should be telling his friends that he doesn't want to hear about it and what they are doing will ruin their marriages/families/maybe lives & will not bring them happiness. (from experience) My dad cheated on my mom when I was young, and he and my stepmother hurt several children and then created more that were hurt because everyone knew how they got together and they couldn't ever make it right. My dad is now 82 and feels guilty still. I can see how she would feel like she should be able to check up on him and he should not behave furtively, but it sounds like they need some new friends maybe. Straying and divorce can be catching. There was a guy at least our age (old enough to know better) that went around bragging about his past affairs and drinking bouts & he knew his audience lived different lives and it made the men there sick. He left his current wife and married another we all knew slightly. We were glad to see him move. That is how good men react to this behavior. Only two of our close couple friends have divorced and it was the men's fault for straying in both cases. Children were hurt in both cases. All relationships take effort, & when you start putting the effort elsewhere, you are in the wrong. If you can't make it work & want to leave and divorce, then do it. Then start over. Don't cheat first as an excuse to get out. My opinion.
Junk BinMay 12, 2017
i remember a wonderful access required demand by my wife while in counseling. She threw a huge bovine adventure about not having passwords to my computer accounts.
I said OK. I need access to your accounts. The reply was, I cannot do that, I use my work account. Peachy. Equal access or no access
Glen DanielsenMay 12, 2017
One of the things I used to like about Dear Abbey is that she had a knack for simplifying scenarios by getting to the heart of things. His answer is not difficult: his own marriage is his priority. Delete all the texts & emails from his bad boy friends, warn them that his phone will no longer be private from his wife, then freely give his wife access to his email accounts and phone passwords. He doesn't need updates about his friends' soap opera lives anyways. And if they want his advice, they can meet him for lunch at Denny's.
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AnaSeptember 30, 2017
I agree with Ray. These are the types of people he chooses to be friends with? After his own history!?! This makes me SICK too. Him having these "friends" in his life is very telling. A "reformed" liar and cheater protecting other liars and cheaters? Keeping secrets from his wife? Helping deceive other innocent women? Doesn't sound so reformed. Hand over your phone and emails to your wife, drop the jerks from your life, and upgrade yourself by finding friends that are honorable men and husbands.
RexMay 16, 2017
I think Geoff is spot on with his response. @EB - how is it LEGALLY WRONG for him to share the information with his wife? @Glen Danielson - Sitting on a throne and passing judgement? What you did was no different - offering their opinion.
Glen DanielsenMay 16, 2017
So many happy to sit on a throne and pass judgement. Of course the two friends are committing awful moral sins. They are trampling on their wives' dreams and making a mockery of their lives. But that is not the point. There is another kind of betrayal — that of friends' confidences. He is under no moral mandate to strut up to the wives and make disclosures, though the scenarios are painful to watch. Nevertheless he is not 'protecting' his buddies. His moral task is to help his errant friends make better decisions. He is also under a moral obligation to give his own wife clear access to all his devices and internet accounts.
Glen DanielsenMay 15, 2017
Jackie May12, you are missing the point. The issue has nothing to do with gaining his wife's trust by revealing his two friends' infidelities. The need is to give his wife free and clear access to his cell phone as an act of trust. One deleting of his bad boy friends' communications, then give his wife access. He is not 'protecting' his friends! Rather, he is holding to a confidentiality. His friends are dead wrong in their lifestyles, and they will eventually pay for them. But to intimate that he *must* reveal the sad truths of others to HIS wife is nuts. Suggest you re-think your post.
Ray CongerMay 14, 2017
"Friends?" This makes me SICK!
Thank youMay 14, 2017
Thank you for your straightforward reply to this letter! I also agree with Glen Danielson's reply. Delete it all and warn the friends that any communications on this topic need to be in person because his wife will now be reading anything they transmit to him. What he actually needs to do is distance himself from them -- because of his history, when the story breaks he will be, in his wife's eyes and in the eyes of the friends' wives, Guilty by Association! I disagree that he is duty-bound to report the affairs to the respective wives -- but again, when the story breaks, he will be Guilty by Association. They may be his best friends, but Paul taught us to flee fornication (1 Corinthians 6:18). He needs to tell these friends -- "sorry, I've been down that road and have clawed my way back; I don't even want to hear about that path again." He needs to remember that we are to avoid all appearance of evil (1 Thes. 5:22) and that continued association with his cheating friends put him in their spotlight. And then he needs to plead with his friends to get off that path and return to the right path. If all persons involved are LDS, he might give thought to reporting it to the appropriate bishops for them to take action. . . . One last comment: my wife and I have been married a very long time and have never cheated. Although church leaders are hot and heavy that the wife has "the right" to the husband's passwords (one stake president told me it's my priesthood duty to give my passwords to her), my wife won't have my passwords until I have hers. But again, we have no history to warrant us monitoring each other.
JJMay 14, 2017
IMO Letting his wife read the texts and emails would only work if his wife would not be tempted to divulge it to others...especially if she knows the wives. And why would he want to drag her down with the contents of those communications? Could reading those emails drag up the pain she's already been through- by reliving his affair through their words? I would suggest that they see the Bishop or their marriage counselor and let that person see what is on the phone. He can assure his wife that it is NOT another woman and then delete the stuff and they both move on to friends who have integrity and are committed to their marriages.
EBMay 13, 2017
It's definitely not a good thing that his buddies are sharing this information with him by email. However, it was sent in the confidence that he would keep it private. It's legally wrong for him to share this info to his wife. He should delete those emails, and tell his buddies to not send anything like that again, and that he does not want to know about their misdeeds.
DoraMay 13, 2017
He should let his friends know what he is about to do. They can tell their wives or let them find out through the grapevine. Their choice.
JackieMay 12, 2017
Well said Geoff! And Glen, deleting the texts and emails and THEN letting his wife have access again does nothing to add to her feelings of security. He is not making his wife a priority, easing her concerns or strengthening his marriage by doing that. He is protecting himself and his friends. If he wants his wife's trust he needs to be an open book and offer her the opportunity to see for herself what he's been hiding from her.
Leigh AnnMay 12, 2017
I don't access my husband's e-mail or read his texts, and we have been married for almost 39 years. Neither of us has strayed, though we don't have a perfect marriage. Who does? That said, I can't imagine him cheating or wanting to hang around & communicate with a friend that was cheating or hear about it. Neither would I. Our friends are mutual friends. He should be telling his friends that he doesn't want to hear about it and what they are doing will ruin their marriages/families/maybe lives & will not bring them happiness. (from experience) My dad cheated on my mom when I was young, and he and my stepmother hurt several children and then created more that were hurt because everyone knew how they got together and they couldn't ever make it right. My dad is now 82 and feels guilty still. I can see how she would feel like she should be able to check up on him and he should not behave furtively, but it sounds like they need some new friends maybe. Straying and divorce can be catching. There was a guy at least our age (old enough to know better) that went around bragging about his past affairs and drinking bouts & he knew his audience lived different lives and it made the men there sick. He left his current wife and married another we all knew slightly. We were glad to see him move. That is how good men react to this behavior. Only two of our close couple friends have divorced and it was the men's fault for straying in both cases. Children were hurt in both cases. All relationships take effort, & when you start putting the effort elsewhere, you are in the wrong. If you can't make it work & want to leave and divorce, then do it. Then start over. Don't cheat first as an excuse to get out. My opinion.
Junk BinMay 12, 2017
i remember a wonderful access required demand by my wife while in counseling. She threw a huge bovine adventure about not having passwords to my computer accounts. I said OK. I need access to your accounts. The reply was, I cannot do that, I use my work account. Peachy. Equal access or no access
Glen DanielsenMay 12, 2017
One of the things I used to like about Dear Abbey is that she had a knack for simplifying scenarios by getting to the heart of things. His answer is not difficult: his own marriage is his priority. Delete all the texts & emails from his bad boy friends, warn them that his phone will no longer be private from his wife, then freely give his wife access to his email accounts and phone passwords. He doesn't need updates about his friends' soap opera lives anyways. And if they want his advice, they can meet him for lunch at Denny's.
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