This is a 2 sided issue. I can't speak to this specific case but it is not always the mans fault. How many women push and push to "keep up" with someone or some imagined lifestyle? We need a bigger house, better neighborhood, larger this or that, new furniture, going out to eat regularly? How many women spend hundreds of dollars a month on hair styling, eyelash extensions, facials and on and on? There are many ways to waste money by both parties.
vickieFebruary 27, 2017
actually what I hear is this woman going through this situation for about 30yrs so where does dementia come into play?? ..he may have it now if that is what is happening I don't know. however there are mental illnesses like bipolar disease that can cause a person to over spend. however to me this just sounds like two people and two ways of viewing how to manage finances. I have experienced sort of the same thing. my parents taught me to save a penny. I never knew their teachings would come in handy. my husbands parents were different and taught him to charge using credit cards before I knew there were any and to not really know what was coming in as his step dad was a carpenter...we fought over money for over 40yrs. I wanting to save and buy only what we needed and him loving to spend money for his projects and fun. we had 5 kids and it was very hard. our kids are grown and over time I managed to keep some money in a savings ...money mind you he makes and keeps wanting to get into...he has retired and so we only get a bit of money coming in. we have no home and live in an apartment but now I want a home but don't want to spend much. I never made demands. a shrink told me that years earlier...he said how can your husband know what you want if you never make any demands. well, I had very few..im a cheapskate...its hard to believe that a woman can be that but yep I am. I was able to raise my children with very little income by being thrifty and watchful. money issues cause a real rift in a family and more so if the husband is the spend thrift person...it causes the wife to feel insecure and then depressed because she thinks her position is never going to change. I tried to say these things with my husband and even got counceling where our councelor told us to get a budget book. it was the best thing he could have done. that way my husband could see what he was spending and causing me grief over. we will be married 47 yrs this year..our kids are all gone and older people now...and I still have the same problem...as I said my shrink said..if I never make any demands then he thinks he can use what money we have for anything he wants...so women start demanding...women who are over spenders take into consideration your husbands hard working and try to help him save money and spend more wisely...also look into why your spending...its because of something your lacking...I knew a couple who were both spenders...he was eventually kicked out of the military because of it and both his wife and him were destitute because they could never get it under control...seek help
MaryFebruary 27, 2017
Mr. Holbein, You don't know one thing about my accountability and/or my life so please save your judgments for somebody else. From your comments, maybe YOU are a brute & a dope thinking this is all a myth being perpetuated by women. Get real, sir. There actually are those who are 'victims' & you make that sound like a sin, which it is not.
JudyFebruary 26, 2017
This is not a communication problem. This is MEDICAL.
There is NO communicating with Dementia.
There is NO reasoning with Dementia.
You need to stop arguing. Contact an Elder Law Attorney ASAP
Get a legal separation of finances and property. Discontinue all his credit cards and decision-making. Take control. Once that is done, you are not responsible for his financially disastrous decisions.
No surprise that you would have cancer after living with the stress of this for 30 years.
Please research Dementia. Learn the signs and symptoms. Learn how to be a dementia caregiver. It has been, and will continue to be a very rough road ahead. I know. I am living out this scenario right now.
JudyFebruary 26, 2017
My blood is boiling. Could it be he has mania, dementia, or some other mental disorder? You cannot reason with dementia. Arguing gets nowhere.
God help this woman.
N. HydeFebruary 25, 2017
So, what should she do if she HAS tried to talk to him in this fashion but he still won't listen or change anything? I think one option is to go get her own bank savings account in her own name--and don't tell him. But I've also heard of a woman being impressed to divorce her husband because of the debt they were in. And then he soon passed, and she would have been left with the debt. Financial accountability is important in a marriage, and if people aren't willing to be responsible, I think it is ok to take drastic steps to remedy it, if needed--but of course, you wouldn't be entitled to ANY of his money afterwards, if there were any...and you'd be completely on your own doing it yourself, so you do have to weigh those issues as well. Would you be worse off on your own, than with him? Is there a life insurance policy on her husband? Would it enough to cover the debts and live on for awhile after his death? My parents divorced but my mother still kept her life insurance policy on my father, and it saved her after he passed. They divorced for more serious reasons, though--but finances was part of it. A lot of things to think about, and nothing wrong with women protecting themselves. We'd be ignorant not to.
MaryFebruary 24, 2017
This is close to my own story, tho we are 40 years into the marriage, but there never was a 401K or anything else like savings or retirement funds to tap into for my husband! Even money from inheritance was blown through paying off debts & making purchases. And future inheritance will likely not be managed properly because of long-standing attitudes. As so many do, I went along to get along. It has been a very painful & severely damaging journey, to say the least. Now, thinking I'm a little smarter, my health (& his) is poor & I continue to feel that if something happens to him I will basically be up a creek without a paddle! Why do counselors always shift the burden to the spouse who is basically innocent of wrong-doing? Yes, we should have been more involved in finances but ultimately our faith & trust was misplaced because we believed that husbands are to be the providers & breadwinners. And yes, I did work & help out parttime as best as I could. While I've learned some hard lessons I'm sick of men not taking the major part of the heat for these kinds of situations. Many wives have tried mightily to play their own roles in the family & are worn out, frustrated & fearful for their futures because of husbands who just won't step up to their responsibilities. Enough already.
Gordon HolbeinFebruary 24, 2017
Instead of perpetuating the myth of men as brutes and dopes, and women as victims, how about teaching this lady about having an internal locus of control? Why has she never taken on personal accountability until now?
Junk BinFebruary 24, 2017
so why did your husband have to tap the retirement accounts?? was it because of excessive spending?? ego spending?
Take stock of your part in this. Than you can work out a solution.
Get use to not living high on the hog as you think you deserve.
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Tom ArmitageMarch 8, 2017
This is a 2 sided issue. I can't speak to this specific case but it is not always the mans fault. How many women push and push to "keep up" with someone or some imagined lifestyle? We need a bigger house, better neighborhood, larger this or that, new furniture, going out to eat regularly? How many women spend hundreds of dollars a month on hair styling, eyelash extensions, facials and on and on? There are many ways to waste money by both parties.
vickieFebruary 27, 2017
actually what I hear is this woman going through this situation for about 30yrs so where does dementia come into play?? ..he may have it now if that is what is happening I don't know. however there are mental illnesses like bipolar disease that can cause a person to over spend. however to me this just sounds like two people and two ways of viewing how to manage finances. I have experienced sort of the same thing. my parents taught me to save a penny. I never knew their teachings would come in handy. my husbands parents were different and taught him to charge using credit cards before I knew there were any and to not really know what was coming in as his step dad was a carpenter...we fought over money for over 40yrs. I wanting to save and buy only what we needed and him loving to spend money for his projects and fun. we had 5 kids and it was very hard. our kids are grown and over time I managed to keep some money in a savings ...money mind you he makes and keeps wanting to get into...he has retired and so we only get a bit of money coming in. we have no home and live in an apartment but now I want a home but don't want to spend much. I never made demands. a shrink told me that years earlier...he said how can your husband know what you want if you never make any demands. well, I had very few..im a cheapskate...its hard to believe that a woman can be that but yep I am. I was able to raise my children with very little income by being thrifty and watchful. money issues cause a real rift in a family and more so if the husband is the spend thrift person...it causes the wife to feel insecure and then depressed because she thinks her position is never going to change. I tried to say these things with my husband and even got counceling where our councelor told us to get a budget book. it was the best thing he could have done. that way my husband could see what he was spending and causing me grief over. we will be married 47 yrs this year..our kids are all gone and older people now...and I still have the same problem...as I said my shrink said..if I never make any demands then he thinks he can use what money we have for anything he wants...so women start demanding...women who are over spenders take into consideration your husbands hard working and try to help him save money and spend more wisely...also look into why your spending...its because of something your lacking...I knew a couple who were both spenders...he was eventually kicked out of the military because of it and both his wife and him were destitute because they could never get it under control...seek help
MaryFebruary 27, 2017
Mr. Holbein, You don't know one thing about my accountability and/or my life so please save your judgments for somebody else. From your comments, maybe YOU are a brute & a dope thinking this is all a myth being perpetuated by women. Get real, sir. There actually are those who are 'victims' & you make that sound like a sin, which it is not.
JudyFebruary 26, 2017
This is not a communication problem. This is MEDICAL. There is NO communicating with Dementia. There is NO reasoning with Dementia. You need to stop arguing. Contact an Elder Law Attorney ASAP Get a legal separation of finances and property. Discontinue all his credit cards and decision-making. Take control. Once that is done, you are not responsible for his financially disastrous decisions. No surprise that you would have cancer after living with the stress of this for 30 years. Please research Dementia. Learn the signs and symptoms. Learn how to be a dementia caregiver. It has been, and will continue to be a very rough road ahead. I know. I am living out this scenario right now.
JudyFebruary 26, 2017
My blood is boiling. Could it be he has mania, dementia, or some other mental disorder? You cannot reason with dementia. Arguing gets nowhere. God help this woman.
N. HydeFebruary 25, 2017
So, what should she do if she HAS tried to talk to him in this fashion but he still won't listen or change anything? I think one option is to go get her own bank savings account in her own name--and don't tell him. But I've also heard of a woman being impressed to divorce her husband because of the debt they were in. And then he soon passed, and she would have been left with the debt. Financial accountability is important in a marriage, and if people aren't willing to be responsible, I think it is ok to take drastic steps to remedy it, if needed--but of course, you wouldn't be entitled to ANY of his money afterwards, if there were any...and you'd be completely on your own doing it yourself, so you do have to weigh those issues as well. Would you be worse off on your own, than with him? Is there a life insurance policy on her husband? Would it enough to cover the debts and live on for awhile after his death? My parents divorced but my mother still kept her life insurance policy on my father, and it saved her after he passed. They divorced for more serious reasons, though--but finances was part of it. A lot of things to think about, and nothing wrong with women protecting themselves. We'd be ignorant not to.
MaryFebruary 24, 2017
This is close to my own story, tho we are 40 years into the marriage, but there never was a 401K or anything else like savings or retirement funds to tap into for my husband! Even money from inheritance was blown through paying off debts & making purchases. And future inheritance will likely not be managed properly because of long-standing attitudes. As so many do, I went along to get along. It has been a very painful & severely damaging journey, to say the least. Now, thinking I'm a little smarter, my health (& his) is poor & I continue to feel that if something happens to him I will basically be up a creek without a paddle! Why do counselors always shift the burden to the spouse who is basically innocent of wrong-doing? Yes, we should have been more involved in finances but ultimately our faith & trust was misplaced because we believed that husbands are to be the providers & breadwinners. And yes, I did work & help out parttime as best as I could. While I've learned some hard lessons I'm sick of men not taking the major part of the heat for these kinds of situations. Many wives have tried mightily to play their own roles in the family & are worn out, frustrated & fearful for their futures because of husbands who just won't step up to their responsibilities. Enough already.
Gordon HolbeinFebruary 24, 2017
Instead of perpetuating the myth of men as brutes and dopes, and women as victims, how about teaching this lady about having an internal locus of control? Why has she never taken on personal accountability until now?
Junk BinFebruary 24, 2017
so why did your husband have to tap the retirement accounts?? was it because of excessive spending?? ego spending? Take stock of your part in this. Than you can work out a solution. Get use to not living high on the hog as you think you deserve.
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