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I was chatting with a friend in the entrance to his garage one Saturday morning. As we spoke, his young son rode into the garage on his bike and parked it in front of the old family station wagon. Apparently, the family had a rule about the proper place to park bikes and the boy had violated that rule.
What should a father do to be sure his son learns that he must not park his bike in front of the car? Dad has several options.
He could punish the boy. But can we punish children into submission? Perhaps. We certainly can punish them into bitterness and resentment. Punishment creates resistance.
The father could remove privileges. “I am going to lock up your bike until you learn a lesson.” That consequence might make the boy take the rule more seriously. Yet instead of teaching better thinking, this assumes that the only way to learn is through the threat of unpleasant consequences.
Let’s talk about what the father did do. The father interrupted our conversation to stomp over to his son, grab him, hold him up in the air and start yelling the Standard Parental Lecture. “Why do you always…Why can’t you ever…Won’t you ever learn…What is it going to take…”
Such expression of strong emotion may help the father feel that he has made his point. But let’s leave our parental perspective and see the situation from the child’s view. What do you think the son was thinking as he was suspended in mid-air with his father’s angry face yelling at him? Do you think he was saying, “I am so glad that dad is bringing these things to my attention. He has a valid point. This will really help me remember.”
I don’t think so. I don’t think the boy was doing any quiet reflecting. I suspect that he was flooded with emotion. Fear. Anger. Humiliation. Hurt. If my discernment is correct, the boy was overwhelmed and forlorn.
When the father had finished his harangue, he paused, still panting from the angry lecture. Then he bellowed: “I love you.” He set his son down and returned to pick up the conversation with me.
Again, let’s take the child’s perspective. Do you think the boy left the conversation feeling loved? I don’t think so. I think he felt humiliated! The person who should have been his friend, protector, teacher, and advocate had acted in total disregard for his feelings. He could have taught him, encouraged him, and helped him. Instead he demeaned him.
In an earlier post I recommended the use of parental induction in which we minimize the use of power, we reason with children and help them understand the effects of their behavior on others.
This agrees with the Lord’s instruction: “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of [parenthood], only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile” (D&C 121:41-42).
Imagine that the dad, upon seeing the son’s parking violation, called out to his son, “Ethan.” Maybe simply calling his name would spark the son’s remembrance of previous discussions about bikes and parking.
Maybe not. If not, the father could invite: “Let’s talk!” The son trots to his father who kneels to face him. “Do you remember what we’ve said about parking your bike?” Almost surely the son will remember. “I would like you to park your bike on the side of the garage. Are you willing to do that?” If Ethan has any hesitation, Dad might teach the reason for the rule. Then he might suggest, “I know it may be hard to remember. What can we do to help you remember?”
This approach assumes that the son will respond to reasonable guidance but may need reminders. So the focus is on helping him remember.
How might the son respond to this approach? He is likely to feel that his father is on his side, that they can work together in peace and love. He is likely to learn that rules are reasonable guides that help us live together. This is in perfect harmony with the research on induction which shows that children guided by parental induction are likely to become mature, caring, and conscientious adults.
There are innumerable challenges in family life. Kids forget their chores. They are unkind to each other. They do things on impulse. They sneak Twinkies. Induction is a process that can be customized to the behavior of each child. It helps parents go beyond simply enforcing obedience through discipline. Instead, the parent enters the mental and emotional world of the child in order to teach effectively. With an understanding of the child’s world, the parent teaches responsible behavior while preserving a positive relationship.
I recommend teaching as the key to guidance.
“For intelligence cleaveth unto intelligence; wisdom receiveth wisdom; truth embraceth truth; virtue loveth virtue; light cleaveth unto light; mercy hath compassion on mercy and claimeth her own; justice continueth its course and claimeth its own” D&C 88:44
Invitation: Sometime soon your children will do something that irritates you. Be prepared to help them learn through the use of gentle and patient instruction.
Recommendation: I heartily recommend Haim Ginott’s Between Parent and Child. For ways to guide children without anger, I recommend my Soft-Spoken Parent.
The bike story used in this article is adapted from my book, Finding Joy in Family Life.