I couldn’t believe it. I turned on my iPod in the kitchen on New Year’s Day, and the first song to play was “I’m Trying to Be Like Jesus.” Immediately all my failures of the last year of my trying to be like Jesus came to the forefront, and I hung my head before a whole clean slate to try again to be like Him in “deed and in thought,” especially in being kind to others. That’s a biggie.
It’s not that I don’t try; I do. But I came to the conclusion last year that I am not a naturally nice person. My sister, Paulette, and I discussed at length, ad infinitum, and at times ad nauseam last year the whole concept that there are some people who are naturally nice and there are others, and we include ourselves, who are “fake” nice. That means that we do and say the kind thing as a general rule, but, golly, sometimes that just doesn’t match what we are feeling on the inside. We wonder a lot if that still counts.
I know naturally kind people. There is a wonderful sister in our ward, who is naturally humble, sweet, and always seems to think the best of others from the get-go. She seems to understand others are trying to do their best and that is OK with her. In all the years she’s been my friend, I’ve never known her to question anyone’s motives or actions.
I know still another woman, not a member of our church, who also seems to be motivated by kindness. And when I share my struggles or problems with her, she passes out “Bless your hearts” in a way that makes me know she truly cares about me.
Me? Even at my ultimate fake niceness, I’m naturally cynical and suspicious of people’s motives. I struggle with pessimism, which I like to think is the objectivity that comes naturally to me as a journalist. I’m probably wrong.
As Paulette says about me, “If there’s a silver lining, you can find the dark cloud.” That’s probably right.
A possible major change
So with those two people in mind, along about last fall, I decided to change my personality, outlook on life, conversations, motives, and inward woman in one challenging effort and become a “bless your heart” person. Instead of speaking of frustrations and irritations in dealing with others as I view everything through the lens of my vastly superior viewpoint, I would refuse to say anything negative about anyone or any situation and inside bless everyone-who-is-involved’s heart.
I blessed a lot of hearts that week.
The whole project was incredibly difficult and at the end of a week or so, it fizzled out. I was back to being me, but now with a clearer realization that even if the outer woman changes and the conversation changes, it really needs to be the inner woman who changes.
I think I might, however, be genetically pre-disposed to be inwardly kind because all my life I have heard about my great-grandmother, Mamie, who never said an unkind word about anyone-surely that would require inner goodness-and was as close to a saint as any woman on earth could ever be. (She must have been chuckling at my weak attempts to bless everyone’s hearts from home beyond the veil.)
Zinnias for change
However, I have another part to my theory. From my experience, I have known my heart to change because of my outward actions, which leads me to believe that being fake nice until you feel naturally nice can be useful.
Case in point: When I first started working as a reporter and had my own desk, I brought some of my fresh-cut zinnias to work. An older worker who had a bouquet of assorted flowers on her desk came over and said, “I like flowers, so everyone is supposed to bring me a flower from their garden when they bring some to work.”
In the pressure of the moment, I gave her one of the only kind of flowers I seem to be able to grow successfully, but inwardly I wasn’t so charitable. How dare she require me to give up a flower? How could she possibly expect and demand such a gift? She wasn’t getting any more flowers from me, I thought.
My zinnias on the desk finally died, and I was forced to make a decision. Did I bring in more zinnias and hide them so she wouldn’t see them, or would I give one to her?
It could have been “I’m Trying to be Like Jesus” that came to mind, but I brought more zinnias in, snatched one out of my vase, and took it over to her.
“Here’s a zinnia,” I said, fake nicely.
She was delighted.
She also never came back to work. The dramatic turn in this story would be that she had died overnight, clutching my zinnia to her chest, but, no, the day at work that I gave her the zinnia was her last day before she retired after 40 years of working there. She hadn’t let her retirement day be made public because, well you guessed it, she was a naturally humble and nice person and didn’t want anyone to go to any trouble over her.
I almost missed my chance to be kind, and my heart was immediately changed to naturally nice in incidents like sharing flowers.
So I think I know where the answer lies, the difference between being naturally nice and fake nice. The answer, of course, is that the Savior can change hearts. He and His amazing grace can make the thoughts and the feelings match the actions. It might take some time and some painful experiences like sharing a zinnia, but if we continue to do the actions, the feelings can follow.
I hope so anyway. I believe so. And someday I might know.
The beautiful Primary song that always touches my heart inspired my theme for the year ahead: If I can’t be naturally nice from the get-go, then I’m going to be fake nice until my heart changes and I’m naturally nice.
Bless my heart!
Susan Elzey writes a weekly humor column for the Danville Register & Bee in Danville, Va. Her columns may be read at www.godanriver.com. Scroll to the bottom of the home page and do a site search for “7XMOM” and “Elzey.
” Her latest novel, “Miracle of the Christmas Star,” is available on Amazon.com.