Not long ago a friend asked me to launder a large business check in order to circumvent the strict attorney-client trust account rules. When I refused, the friend backed off and suggested that his request had been in jest. Should I report him? I asked myself: When does loyalty to a friend trump our moral code? If we are a true friend, the answer is never. Such questions face our youth every day. Do they “rat” on a friend doing drugs or committing crime?–even if they are not asked to participate?
Parents too, face hard choices which sometimes strain friendship. Does a parent search a son or daughter’s room or computer as a preemptive strike? How does a bishop, hearing a confession involving potential harm to another, balance the need to protect victims against the duty to protect the confessor’s privacy? Legal duties aside, in all of these scenarios, friendship requires tough love–a love based on eternal principles.
True friendship embraces the long-term consequences of cause and effect. Moreover, when Jesus demands our obedience as a condition of His friendship, He does so knowing full well that our path is paved with resistance. Thus, Nephi urges us to “Press forward with a steadfastness in Christ…” (2 Ne. 31:20). Without resistance, there would be nothing against which to press; there would be no growth.
Elder Glen Rudd, formerly of the Seventy, used to say there are four basic human needs: nourishment, shelter, love, and trust. Of these, he said the need to be trusted was the most compelling. Friendship embodies both love and trust. Can anyone doubt the influence of a good friend? No wonder Church leaders have long advised us to choose our friends wisely. In the pamphlet, For the Strength of Youth, the brethren have said: “Choose your friends carefully. They will greatly influence how you think and act, and even help determine the person you will become…To have good friends, be a good friend yourself.” (see p.12).
In January, 1971, when the Friend magazine was newly published, the First Presidency issued this statement: “We extend our love and greetings to you, the readers of the Friend, in this first issue…A friend, according to the proverb, is one who ‘loveth at all times.’ (Prov. 17:17.)…A true friend will also tell us when we err and how we ought to improve…To be the Savior’s friend requires that we love and obey him. According to the disciple John, he said, ‘Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.’ (John 15:14).” (“A Message from the First Presidency to You,” Friend, January, 1971).
Webster’s defines a friend as one who “is attached to another by affection or esteem.” For some, a friend is anyone who pays attention to us or fills a void in our moment to moment needs. By any definition, a friend can exert powerful influence over us for good or ill. After all, companionship and a positive example is a good thing, but a friend who enlists us in crime or sin can be deadly. Sadly, we have all occasionally followed friends down unsafe paths; paths they determined for us. The safety of the path depends upon the skill, experience and character of its pathfinder. No one of high character would lead us in low paths. This begs the question: What defines a true friend?
One of the best friends I have ever known is Paul “Cool” Killian–band teacher, youth leader and all-around good guy. While teaching me the trombone, Paul was actually teaching me about goals, discipline, effort and results. He made learning fun, interesting, and rewarding. I valued his friendship because he inspired me to be a more polished musician and a better person. While loyalty, love, and a positive influence are all part of the friendship equation, a true friend leads by example, and lifts, rather than degrades, our character.
It is comforting to know that friendship with Jesus is not based on satisfying our moment to moment carnal needs, but upon the quality of His character. In turn, He lifts ours. Without Christ’s perfect example and infinite Atonement, His message, though inspiring, would be ineffectual. Fortunately, the messenger is worthy of His message. The Savior is our ultimate friend because meeting the conditions of His friendship leads us to eternal life. As Paul noted: “Furthermore, we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence, shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live?” (Heb.
12:9).
In this dispensation, the Savior called us His friends: “And again I say unto you, my friends, for from henceforth I shall call you friends, it is expedient that I give unto you this commandment, that ye become even as my friends in days when I was with them, traveling to preach the gospel in my power” (D&C 84:77). Only when we obediently follow Christ do we become a true friend. May we be a true friend, and lead by example. When we do, rescuing others, like loyalty and love, flows naturally, and not by “compulsory means” (D&C 121: 46).
