Happy New Year. That is a general wish rather than a belief that it will not be one with challenges to face, some successes, and no doubt some failures. But it can be one where such failures as there are become woven into the fabric of learning, and are the groundwork for success in the future.
Whatever happens, we have still received the greatest gift there has ever been, that of Hope. As we said in our Relief Society lesson on the Sunday before Christmas, we give and receive all kinds of presents at this time of the year, and it is possible in all the excitement and the rush, to overlook the most important gift of all, and perhaps the only one that really matters – the fact that the Savior came into the world, lived and died as He did. It means that no matter what failings, griefs or sins we have, no matter what pain of loss, He has given us Eternity, and the chance to come back from anywhere – if we wish to enough. It may be hard to achieve,and expensive, but there is always Hope!
Sometimes we forget that God loves us – He wants us to succeed. To listen to some catalogues of DOs and DON’Ts one would think life is an obstacle course set out with the intention of tricking us into failing, a way of weeding out all but the toughest and the best. It isn’t – it’s a course designed to give us the opportunity to refine the weaknesses until they become strengths, to achieve the most beautiful, bravest, most compassionate, honourable and wise in us. And after all that we can do, He will complete what we cannot.
At New Year, of course, we spoke of resolutions. We were each given a small card in which to write our goals, and keep them to report on through the year. I looked at the card and thought that I needed something about twenty times the size. There are so many things in which I could improve both generally and specifically and detail I might profit from noting.
Then quite suddenly I realized that at the heart of it there was one thing which could be written in two short words which would sum up all I really need – TRUST GOD. If I could do that, all the rest would follow. So that is my resolution – stop arguing, stop doubting, stop getting wound up when I don’t understand. I don’t need to understand. I need to do my part, and trust that the plan I cannot see is a perfect one – not in the short run, but in Eternity, and that is what matters.
By that I do NOT mean blind obedience, in fact I don’t think obedience comes into it, except as a natural part of the whole effort. I want to do the right things because I understand the beauty of them and do them for themselves, not because somebody told me to. In the end I do not believe we make it for what we do, but for what we are. We should not be kind to people because we are told to, but because we care about the people and wish them to be happy, to fill the measure of their creation and have joy.
We should abstain from wrong, cruel, dishonest things not because we are told to, but because we have no wish to do them, they repel us by their nature. We should love the good and abjure the bad not because anyone has commanded us, but because that is who we ARE. The trust comes into believing that God really does know and love each of us individually and has our ultimate happiness as His goal. If it does not happen, it will be because we have refused to receive it, not that He will not give.
No doubt I shall forget at times, worry and fret and be full of fears, but perhaps I will also remember sometimes,and be better than before.
We have had a remarkable few weeks since I last wrote. The weather has been only a part of it, important only because of its great beauty. A lot of it has been mild, well above freezing, in fact into the middle forties, and many days cloudless and still. Then we were freezing, with a dusting of snow on the mountains, and a cold wind, but so glittering bright as to be breathtakingly lovely. The long light falls across the fields, some ploughed earth, some still dull gold from the harvest, dotted with the bales of straw, and of course the ordinary fields still green, as they are all year. The bare trees are etched black lace across the blue sky and the shadows have that eerie, golden softness to them that comes at sunrise or sunset, which stretch for ages this far north.
We had one day when it was really cold, below zero, even Fahrenheit, minus 18 Centigrade. It must have been a very heavy dew, because all the trees were coated in ice all day, and the ground looked as if it had snowed, although it hasn’t yet this winter. Not nice to drive on, and snatches your breath away outside in it, but so beautiful to look at that you are grateful just to have seen it to remember.
Now we are back to mild and damp again.
But the notable Spiritual things began last Sunday at Fast and Testimony in Relief Society, when one of our sisters suddenly broke down her usual reserve and shared a real and devastating pain. She was so deeply in distress that she shouted and wept, which was a bit unsettling because it was so honest it shattered the usual faade. But the result of it was that all the rest of the meetings people were more honest than usual. Instead of all sitting in our separate griefs or failures, saying yes, I’m fine, I have the world on a string and everything is wonderful’ – then wondering why we were the only ones who hurt inside – we actually spoke the truth, with dignity and hope, but a rare honesty. I think we all felt immeasurably closer to each other, and there was a compassion and a love, and above all a fellow-feeling, with those who had allowed us to be aware of their pain. We resolved in future to be more open, to be real friends, to avoid the expected clichs and speak with more open hearts.
I hope we can keep it up. A great part of much suffering is the fact that we feel alone in it, as if we are the only ones who haven’t managed to get everything right, happy and in order. So we feel failures, and ashamed, and are of no help or sisterhood to each other. Don’t friends share their failures as well as their successes, and let’s face it, unhappiness is when we NEED friends.
It is not a sin to hurt. The Lord never, ever said that it would be roses all the way, nor should it be. We don’t use the term growing pains’ for nothing. He did say it would be worth it, and that is what we have to remember. There was another plan, an easy one, with no pain, no failure, no risks – and no growth. And the reward in the end was to remain a spiritual infant forever, and gain safety without joy, a stewardship sacrificed. The man in the proverb who buried his talent in the earth where it could not be stolen or lost, was accounted a wicked and slothful servant. That talent was taken from him and given to he who had made the most of what he had been given. But don’t doubt that it had cost him a few tears and heartache too, and that at times he was afraid he also might lose it.
My good friend Alex spoke at the end of testimony and said that we all plough a lone furrow much of the time, the Saviour most of all. It does not matter that it is slow, what matters is, is it a straight furrow? There was a great hush in the room, and I believe a sense in us all that we had been deeply moved upon by the spirit.
My lesson this month was on Sunday, 12th January and was on subject matter surely the most beautiful and joyous in all Scripture – the fact that we are daughters of God, and our destiny is become like Him, if we will put all our effort into it. It should illuminate all our lives with hope and a reflection at least of the glory of God and the light of eternity. I cannot write here all that was discussed, but one thing remained very sharply in my mind. I asked each sister to name a quality or virtue in someone she knew that she admired intensely – hoping to draw out a way in which we could become more like our Heavenly Father.
There were some interesting answers, but the one that struck me the most forcibly was a young sister who said acceptance’. I was not sure what she meant. I was afraid it might be rather passive, a matter of contentment rather than joy, bland and not alight with fire or passion. And if there is anything I loathe it is the lukewarm. I am delighted that the Lord said He would spew them out of His mouth. So would I!
However it was nothing of the sort. When I asked her to explain, she elaborated it into a courage to acknowledge truth, even when it was painful or unpleasant, and to address it, and deal with it, not to try to argue, run away, evade the issue, call it by euphemistic names. We need to deal with life as it is, not as we wish it were. If you feel ill and go to the doctor, he is of no use to you if he cannot diagnose your disease correctly. Only if he does can he give you the right medicine. The wrong medicine will not cure your problem, and may well give you unpleasant side effects and cause you other illnesses as well. I think Spiritual ailments may be much the same. Nothing but the courage to accept the truth is going to help. So I learned something, a new regard for a virtue, and a new respect for the sister in question.
And talking of acceptance, I find it very helpful at times to remember that we all knew something of our roles here even in the pre-existence, when we made the great choice to come here. We knew it would be difficult, even if we could not guess what it would actually feel like. But we also knew that it would be possible to succeed, and that it would be worth it! That is the great thing – WE KNEW IT WOULD BE WORTH IT! In the hardest times, it helps to remember that!
Sunday School was pretty good too. We were asked which person from the New Testament, apart from the Savior, we would most like to meet, and why. There were some interesting answers, and interesting reasons. There are so many I would like to meet I had to think hard to narrow it down. In the end I chose the woman who followed Christ to touch the hem of His garment, so she might be healed from the issue of blood which had plagued her for years. Her faith made her whole. I would like to meet someone with such faith.
I was once asked who in all the Scriptures I would most like to meet, and if I could ask them one question, who and what it would be. The answer came to me immediately, and with a flash of additional knowledge that has remained with me since. The person is Moses, and I would ask him how he felt when he first realized the enormity of his mission for mankind.
The knowledge was that there is no point in asking any person, however enlightened, to explain a point of profound doctrine to you. If you are capable of understanding it, you can find it for yourself. It is always our own limitations which keep such things from us. If I were to ask Einsten to explain relativity to me in detail (the simple facts I think we all grasp) he would ask me if I were a physicist. I would say no. He would tell me to study physics, and when I was capable of understanding his answer to my question he would tell me! But by that time I would no longer need to ask, because it would have become plain to me anyway. Which is true for us all.
We spoke of John the Baptist, of his parents Elisabeth and Zacharias, of Mary and Joseph. They were all remarkable people, but the lesson of the spirit that fell most forcibly upon me was that Elisabeth had prayed long and profoundly for a child, and received no effective answer. (We should not forget that no’ or not yet’ are also answers). But she waited in faith and loyalty, and eventually when she was well stricken in years’ she conceived and bore John the Baptist, whom Joseph Smith said was the greatest man born of woman, apart from the Savior.
How much better to wait until old age, perhaps even past hope, and have one child only, who is one of the noblest spirits ever to live on the earth – rather than have a dozen sons and daughters in your youth, when you first ask for them, and they all be of no spiritual valor, not meet for the Celestial Kingdom?
Now I am back in full circle – my resolution – TRUST GOD! Not so easy to do, but as we have been told – worth it!
Happy 2003, in the faith that whatever befalls, easy or difficult to bear, the end of it can be glorious.