In an ideal world, we are all loved and cared for. We have happy childhoods full of cookies, love, and laughter. We know we are valued. Our parents take the time to listen to our questions and silence our fears. They tell us stories, tuck us in bed, and then we do the same for our children. We have spouses who understand us and serve us, and we’re more than happy to do the same for them.
But we don’t live in an ideal world.
Far too many children don’t know what it means to be tucked in or to be hugged. They don’t know what it’s like to be glad to get home from school. Too many husbands and wives live in cold shells of marriages without love and support from their spouse. These people are victims of neglect.
In her book Healing from Neglect: When Those We Love Don’t Love Us, author Janene Baadsgaard explores what it’s like to grow up or be a grown-up under circumstances of neglect. It’s a different kind of abuse, but it’s abuse all the same-it’s withholding of the emotional connections we need in order to grow and thrive. Just as plants need water, so do humans need love in order to survive, and when that love is withheld, it truly hurts.
We begin the book by learning how to recognize and define neglect. Because neglect leaves no marks, it’s often difficult to diagnose, and many don’t realize when it’s taking place. This makes it harder for them to get the help they need.
There are different kinds of neglect. Physical neglect takes place when certain basic needs are not met and happens most often in a situation where someone is dependent on a caretaker, like with a child or an elderly person. Sometimes there aren’t meals or opportunities to bathe. Sometimes there aren’t clean clothes to wear. They might be left without adequate supervision. We also see emotional neglect, where love is withheld. Educational neglect would mean that the child isn’t being given opportunities to learn. The book lays out other types, and then provides a checklist so you can see if you or someone you know is in a relationship of neglect.
Once we have established that yes, this is the case, we then move on to learning how to overcome it and heal from the wounds left behind. One section is called “Rewriting Neglect.” I appreciated that very much. Neglect doesn’t have to define who we are or dictate the choices we make ourselves. We can overcome the way we were raised. We can make different choices for ourselves and our children. They don’t have to be the repeats of our pattern.
The chapter titled “The Role of Faith” was particularly helpful. We all know that true healing can only come through our Savior and His Atonement, and as we ask for His help through our faith, we can overcome the things in our lives that otherwise would cripple us. He can even take away our pain-it is a process, a long and arduous one, but He makes it possible.
The last chapter is called “Discovering Joy.” For those who have grown up neglected or are in a relationship of neglect, they might not feel that joy is possible, or they might feel that they don’t deserve it. Nothing could be further from the truth. We are children of our Heavenly Father. Our earthly parents or our earthly romantic relationships might have failed us, but our Heavenly Father never will.
Neglect can leave us feeling hollow and worthless. But when we recognize it for what it is, understand that we don’t deserve that type of treatment, and take the steps necessary to heal from it, we can discover joy and light that we might not have known existed.
IreneFebruary 6, 2014
I know what you mean John. Don't give up. Someday we will feel it.
John PratherJanuary 23, 2014
This has always haunted me. My (our) mother never bonded with us. I never heard her say she loved me. So I feel unloved. It is hard for people it seems to understand this. It is only intellectual knowlege that I go by to say that God loves me. I do not feel it.