Wow. That really snuck up on me. The huge package of size 4 diapers is empty. There’s only a few left in the drawer–enough for one more day. How’d that happen? That makes today a D-day of sorts.

I know, who cares whether I’m out of diapers-just go to the store, Amazon Prime a load, whatever you gotta do, right? But the thing is, I declared this particular box of diapers to be my daughter’s last. El fin. Finito! No more buying forty dollar boxes of what is ultimately–trash. After this box, I declared, we would…potty train.

In fact, I made my little announcement out loud, smack dab in the middle of Costco. “This is the last box! After this box, we potty train!” And not just loud enough for my two year old to hear as she begged for another sample, but for all passersby.

I’m not sure why I felt the need to let total strangers in on my resolve to get out of the diaper game. I guess it was for the same reason I vocally broadcast my last handful of M&M’s or my last helping of chips at a party. I’m hoping somebody, anybody will keep me to my word. I don’t know if my subconscious is hoping they will bat my hand away when I inadvertently, yet invariably reach for more, or if there is simply power in saying something to make it true.

Anywho, why don’t I just bite the bullet and potty train? I’ve done it before, I can do it again. The short answer? Because I’m a sleep deprived wreck who just nodded off in the waiting room at Jiffy Lube this morning.

If and when my children are grown and I re-enter the work force, I fully intend to include the words “Successfully potty-trained 6 two year olds” on my resume. I’m still debating whether it should go under Special Skills, Experience, or right above my university degree.

I figure any employer worth their weight would recognize what an enormous feat potty training can be. It requires tenacity, mad negotiating skills, the ability to implement and execute customized incentive programs, to work proactively instead of reactively, the patience of Job, and most of all–CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

All attributes I’m digging down deep to find these days. The truth is, I can do about three weeks of newborn induced sleep deprivation, but it starts to show around weeks four and five. How long until they sleep through the night again?

The bottom line is, I’ve got to make a decision: buy more diapers or dedicate this week to my future job resume.

I mean, do I really think the Costco sample lady is going to snatch the box out of my cart with a disapproving glare and say, “But you promised! I was there! I heard you!”

Exactly. I may even buy a bag of M&M’s while I’m there.

But that will be the last bag.