“What is the secret sauce that holds a family together? What are the ingredients that make some families effective, resilient, happy?” asked Bruce Feiler, author of “The Stories That Bind Us” published in the New York Times, March 17, 2013.[i]
Recounting some of the “stunning breakthroughs in knowledge about how to make families, along with other groups, work more effectively,” Feiler himself spent the past several years studying what the processes are and how to transfer that knowledge from what he termed the subculture of military teams and companies in Silicon Valley to parents raising children. He declared, “A most surprising theme emerged. The single most important thing you can do for your family may be the simplest of all: develop a strong family narrative.”
Feiler learned of the research of psychologists Dr. Marshall Duke and Dr. Robin Fivush at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia, who questioned children of 48 families about what they knew of their family’s stories. They then compared their findings to psychological tests of those children. Their conclusion? “The more children knew about their family’s history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem and the more successfully they believed their families functioned.”[ii] Feeling part of a large family, or “a strong intergenerational self,” helps children significantly as they understand that their own family has had not only its challenges but also its successes, or what is named “the oscillating family narrative.” Children learn that no matter whether their family has had setbacks or misbehaviors of some members, as well as happy times, achievements, and good experiences, the family has “stuck together” and helped each other.
Although I have another opinion about the “most important thing you can do for your family” (keep the commandments), sharing family stories is a very good thing and something Church members have often been encouraged to do.
Elder Dennis B. Neuenschwander, an emeritus member of the Seventy, said: “Every family has . . . valuable keepsakes. These include genealogies, family stories, historical accounts, and traditions. These eternal keepsakes also form a bridge between past and future and bind generations together in ways that no other keepsake can.”[iii]
Many Latter-day Saints grew up on stories of their nineteenth-century pioneer ancestors. Stories of my maternal ancestors’ sacrifices to come to Zion still inspire me and fill me with gratitude. One of my favorite stories illustrates the Prophet Joseph Smith’s kindness and concern for individuals. When Charles and Sarah Price Smith arrived in Nauvoo via steamboat up the Mississippi River in 1842, the Prophet stood on the banks of the river to greet them.
The story of my paternal grandparents, twentieth-century pioneers who joined the Church in Germany in the early 1900s, gives me the same feelings. As an engaged couple and newly baptized Latter-day Saints, my grandparents wanted to be married in the Salt Lake Temple. They worked for a year to save money for their passage to America. When a ticket agent absconded with their money, they had to work for another year. Still, they waited to marry until they reached Utah. They were married in the Salt Lake Temple in 1908.
Every family’s stories are valuable, and every family has its own “pioneers,” the first of the family to join The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Significant family stories can also develop from every generation, including living relatives, such as parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Norman Hill stated: “Passing on our family’s heritage and traditions to our children through beloved stories sends important message about our family’s historical beginnings, our family’s values, our way of facing adversity, and our ability to be helpful and understanding with one another. Children never tire of listening to these tales year after year. Just as every individual has a sense of his or her own identity, so every family has a unique identity that can be passed along through stories.”[iv]
Nearly everyone, especially children, loves to hear stories. However, most children do not like their parents or grandparents to preach “sermons” or to tell them how they should feel or think. A story well-told lets the hearers draw their own conclusion, or “moral” or value. We can tell our children and grandchildren they should appreciate how good they have it, but relating a family story conveys that message more effectively. An example in our family is the story of my husband’s great-grandmother being stranded on the Boulder Mountain in southern Utah during a harsh winter and how she saved her children from starvation by hauling part of a deer carcass for miles through deep snow. A story that teaches of giving one’s all to build the Lord’s kingdom is that of another of his ancestors, John Tanner, who gave his fortune to save the Kirtland Temple. We actually became acquainted with this story through the DVD Treasure in Heaven: The John Tanner Story. Norman Hill believes that “family stories are a primary source for creating shared family values. When stories are told and retold, they become part of our children’s definition of who they are and how they ought to behave.”[v]
With the family as an institution and individually under such tremendous assault, it behooves each of us to endeavor to strengthen our own families in every way we can. Dr. David C. Dollahite, a professor in the BYU School of Family Life, stated, “I have both thought about and studied what causes the hearts within a family to turn toward each other [see Malachi 4:5-6], and I’ve come to the conclusion that one of the most powerful forces is the telling of stories within our families. And I believe that developing a tradition of storytelling as an intentional part of a familys daily, weekly, and monthly family activities will help touch and turn parents’ hearts to their children and the children’s hearts toward the parents.”[vi]
Family stories can be shared in a multitude of ways whether spoken, printed, or recorded. Nevertheless, telling stories likely has the most impact on family members as that process is done through a firsthand and personal relationship: the storyteller and the listener(s).
Stories can be told at the dinner table, at bedtime, in the car, while working together—or anytime. Told spontaneously or planned ahead for such times as family home evening, family trips, or family reunions, family stories entertain, educate, and convey values and identity but, most importantly, bind families together. “If we will tell stories, our love for one another will grow stronger, our family identity will run deeper, and our faith tradition will extend through generations,” said Dr. Dollahite.[vii]
Sharing family stories really can be a perfect recipe for that “secret sauce.”
[i]This article was adapted from Bruce Feiler’s book, The Secrets of Happy Families; How to Improve Your Morning, Rethink Family Dinner, Fight Smart, Go Out and Play, and Much More (New York: HarperCollins, 2013).