I don’t know where you’re reading this, but I’m writing it from the safety of my basement. That’s where I always go when I hear that fire and brimstone are raining down outside, even if outside’ is defined as the other side of the globe from where I’m hiding under my desk.’
As you no doubt heard, a meteor blasted through the earth’s atmosphere early Friday morning-creating a shock wave that has been compared to ten atomic bombs-and smashed into Russia. The thunder clap shattered windows, injured a thousand people, and turned Vladimir Putin into a pillar of salt.
Ha! Just kidding, Mr. Russian President. Please don’t come over here and use your mad judo skills on me.
As if this weren’t hair raising enough, top scientists were quoted as saying, “Whoa! Hey! Did you see that? Did someone get a picture?” This is because no one knew the meteor was coming.
Excuse me? A 50 foot wide, seven-ton ball of flaming rock hurtles in from outer space at 40,000 miles per hour, and the good folks at NASA are-where? Working on their tans?
No! The good folks from NASA were, in fact, at a conference in Austria, discussing-wait for it, you’re going to love this-the development of an asteroid early warning system,’ theoretically one beyond the current method of hollering if you see something weird.’ The irony that this meeting was taking place at the same time an asteroid dropped in for a harmless flyby’-this was one they expected-was entirely lost on top scientists.
I propose we replace all top scientists with giant iPhones. As long as they’re loaded with Instagram, we’ll be guaranteed photographic evidence of the end of the world!
Now, in case you weren’t already alarmed by my shameless fear-mongering, it turns out that this sort of thing happens all the time (although according to the article I just this minute Googled, the last time something this big fell to earth was 1908 and the meteor landed in-you guessed it-Russia).
Why Russia, you may ask? Well, that is a fine question, one to which top scientists replied, “Um, which one’s Russia again?”
The answer is, it isn’t always Russia. Sometimes it’s Siberia. Wait…I need to hit Google maps.
Okay, what I meant to say was, sometimes it’s the ocean. In fact, most of the time it’s the ocean. “Oh, my goodness,” top scientists said, chuckling warmly over their Venetian coffees, “There is all sorts of stuff tumbling in from space. How do you think Lady Gaga arrived? You don’t expect us to count it all, do you? When would we work on our tans?”
Well, I don’t know about the rest of you Earthlings, but as a matter of fact, yes, I would indeed like these guys counting the fiery galactic debris that is apparently just dropping in willy-nilly, if for no other reason than to gauge when we’ve crossed the line into Sodom and Gomorrah territory. I lived in Las Vegas for ten years; take it from me, that line is blurrier than you’d think.
Also, why are top scientists only discussing warning systems? I once saw a documentary starring Sean Connery-called Dr. No, if memory serves-and clear back in 1967 this chap had developed a giant laser cannon for the express purpose of shooting stuff out of space. Where is that technology now? Are the Brits hogging it? I realize Dr. No’s lair exploded and everything, but surely he filed patent applications. It’s high time someone dug those plans out of MI6’s files and got down to business.
I’m not sure we’re quite at the point where we should bust out Revelations and start wailing about the stars falling from heaven, but it wouldn’t hurt to ponder the philosophical implications of unexpected meteors popping in like they owned the place.
For example, if a massive glob of molten rock tears a hole in the atmosphere, turns its high beams on the pre-dawn sky, breaks into smaller massive globs with nuclear ferocity, and crash-lands in a frozen Russian lake, creating a smoldering, seething crater that simmers and fusses for hours after impact -and no one posts the video to YouTube, did it really happen at all?
Top scientists have promised an answer to that head-scratcher, just as soon as they stock up on SPF 500 and asbestos-lined swim trunks.
Perhaps they know more than they’re letting on.
KarleneJune 27, 2013
I wondered some of those same things... Loved it!
MaryFebruary 23, 2013
You've delighted me again with your incredible wit! Thank you! I have to admit that I really do wonder sometimes about things like why real policework and courtrooms have to be so Barney Fife compared to the genius we see on current TV crime shows. Haha