On November 14, 2012, Daryl Hoole presented a “distinguished lecture” at BrighamYoung University sponsored by the School of Family Life. Prior to the lecture, she was awarded an “Honorary Alumna” recognition for “exemplary service and loyalty to Brigham Young University and its ideals as an educator, leader, and champion of the family.” Elder Dallin H. Oaks and President Cecil O. Samuelson of BYU participated in this special event.
One time a gentleman approached me after a Know Your Religion lecture inCalifornia on homemaking and family living and asked, “If you had five minutes to speak to the women of the Church, what would you say?” I stuttered and stammered as I searched for words that just didn’t come. Finally he smiled and said, “Well, that’s two minutes.” Then he walked away.
I’ve given considerable thought since then about his question and now I do have a response. This is what I would say: (By the way, it’s not five minutes; it turned out to be less than one minute.)
Managing a home involves much more than keeping a house clean,organized, and attractive. These skills are important and I’vespent much of my life teaching women how to attain them, but theseskills are only a means to an end. The paramount objective is tocreate a setting where family and friends are comfortable andhappy, where there are good dinners and good times, where there is fun and laughter, where children acquire good habits and are taughtlife skills and how to beself-reliantand responsible, where challenges are faced by coupling temporal endeavors with eternal perspectives, where joy through gospel teaching and living prevails, where kindness and respect reign supreme, where love is strong enough to bind the family forever and where children are nurtured toward eternal life.
For my message this evening I’m focusing on two lines from that statement: [A home is where] children are taught how to be self-reliant and wherekindness and respect reign supreme.
It may be helpful, at this point, to briefly and simply define these terms as if we were teaching children.
First of all, let me state what self-reliance is not. It is not self-sufficiency. Self-sufficiency is a temporary state, one where someone is required to fulfill hisown needs for survival. Being self-sufficient is what one tries to be if hebecomes lost while on a camping expedition and is trying to sustain life or if heis a pioneer crossing the plainswho has to make his own soap and shoes.
In contrast, self-reliance is a permanent state, an ideal way of life. It is an eternal principle of the gospel. It is defined as “being able to rely on oneself and one’s own abilities, one is responsible for hisown well-being. Self-reliance brings about healthy, interactive relationships (economically, emotionally, intellectually, and socially), and it fosters a spirit of helpfulness, cooperation, and growth. It produces strong people who are assets to other individuals as well as to society as a whole.
As Church members we desire not only economic, emotional, intellectual, and social self-reliance for our children, but also spiritual self-reliance as well. It is a pre-requisite to service. It is a key to spiritual growth and progress.
Years ago we were camping as a family in a rustic mountain cabin. Suddenly, in the middle of the night, we were all awakened when three-year-old Gregory called out, “I am thirsty.” We had consumed our water supply, more water was faraway, and it was pitch dark outside. We tried everything to talk him out of it. Someone said something about bears and mountain lions. But nothing could change Greg’s determined little mind as he continued to insist that he needed a drink. Finally, five-year-old Spencer saved the night andsolved the problem by telling him “Just make a bubble and swallow it.” That is self-reliance!
Respectis also a principle of the gospel. The Savior said:”love one another; as Ihave loved you… By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.” (John 13:34-35)
Respect is honor and esteem. Being respectful is to do and say the nicest thing in the nicest way.
Self-reliance has special meaning to me because from 1999-2001 Hank and I fulfilled a mission as Asia Area welfare/humanitarian administrators, along with two other senior couples. We were stationed in Hong Kong, and from there Hank and I visited sixteen countries where, in addition to overseeing the Church’s humanitarian service projects, we taught welfare principles to Church members with an emphasis on self-reliance. It was our privilege to teach, through interpreters, in every ward and branch of those sixteen countries.
It was interesting that self-reliance was a completely new concept to most of the leaders as well as the members. In fact, the term self-reliance is not even part of some of their languages, at least not in the context we were applying. It was gratifying, even thrilling, to see how excited the leaders and members were when they learned about temporal and spiritual self-reliance and caught the vision of what it could do to bless their lives.
A young branch president in northern Thailand, who had been a member of the Church only about a year, shared his feelings with our interpreter who told us: “I got a letter of such strong testimony of Surin branch president. He could not sleep at the same night and after pondering about a welfare heart and a principle of self-reliance he wrote two pages of his testimony.”
Becoming temporally and spiritually self-reliant, which is the principle upon which the Church’s inspired welfare program is based, does work wonders in people’s lives. It is living in the Lord’s way.
A number of years ago a national retail clothing store opened in downtown Salt Lake City. I was favorably impressed, as were many other customers, with the exceptionally gracious and accommodating attitude of the sales personnel. The outstanding service made it a pleasure to shop there.
One day I inquired of a store manager about their training program. I was interested in knowing how the company prepared its employees to be so respectful and helpful.
The manager responded by saying, “We have no in-store training program at all. The training program we use is yours from the home. We hire people who are already respectful, gracious and accommodating.” I was intrigued.
The “training program” of our homes does make a difference-for better or worse-in the lives of our children. Children are the products of their homes, at least the great majority of them are. There are, of course, striking exceptions either way, but generally speaking the quality of the training program in the home is clearly reflected in children’s lives.
In times past ( like when Hank and I were raising our family), society helped us raise good children. That is no longer the case. Now society makes it much more difficult to raise righteous children.
Therefore so much depends upon the home.
When parents do their job at home, society’s ills usually lose their effect on our children.
So, what about your home training program? (Or the one you plan to put in place when you have a family?)
First of all, I gratefully acknowledge the fact that we are profoundly blessed as Latter-day Saints to have the Church provide invaluable support and direction for our home training programs. As parents we are first of all counseled to build our homes “upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God. ” (Helaman 5:12) We are commanded in D&C 68:28 “to teach our children to pray and to walk uprightly before the Lord.” You know the pattern well-we do this through daily family and personal prayer, daily scripture reading, weekly family home evening, and regular church attendance. Inspired, edifying resource material is available through Church distribution centers, bookstores, and on-line.
Like the Nephites in the days of King Benjamin who gathered in their tents, facing the temple, so as to hear their prophet speak, we, too, gather to hear our prophets, seers and revelators. Semi-annually a marvelous spiritual feast is prepared for us through general conference. And just like the people of Mosiah, we are admonished to make certain our “tentsface the temple,” so to speak.
Coupled with inspired help from the Church,many of us receive priceless support and a great deal of strength from our extended families. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins can enrich our children’s lives immeasurably and have a profound influence on them in many ways. Unlike being parents, grandparents don’t have to worry about their grandchildren; they can just think they are practically perfect. (Actually, mine really are!)
I recall a daughter’s missionary farewell where she paid tribute to her grandmotherby saying, “My grandmother always believed in me.” I felt stung. Why didn’t she say something like that about me? It was because I had not always believed in her. I had some concerns. That’s what grandmothers can do-always believe in their grandchildren.
By the way, Grandma was right-and now I believe in our daughter as well!
Regardless of Church and extended family support, it is our responsibility as parents to design our own individual home training program as we nourish and nurture, teach and train our children
Raising children is a stewardship with accountability. As parents we have the divine trust and sacred obligation of passing on to our children our habits and skills, our knowledge and wisdom, our values and standards, and our faith and testimonies.
As I have already stated, when parents do their job at home, society’s ills usually lose their effect on our children. Our most effective way is to outshine the world’s negative, destructive environment with a positive environment at home wherein children grow and thrive.I would suggest there are five dimensions to this home environment. They are:
I A loving and listening environment
When I was serving as ward Relief Society president, the bishop called me into his office one day to listen as he set apart several sisters to positions on the Relief Society board. His wife was one of the women. (I might add parenthetically that he was a very busy man with a large family including a special needs child, a demanding medical practice asa pediatrician, and the heavy responsibilities of a bishop.) He placed his hands on his wife’s head and said something I will remember always: “Ipromise you,” he declared “that I will give you my best, not that which is left over.”
In other words he would give her the top slice. She would be number one.
Such a wonderful gift is not just for husbands and wives, it’s for parents to give their children–their very best, not that which is left over.
Love can be expressed in many ways, but the best way is to show your love, not just talk about it. By that I mean in addition to saying, “I love you,” truly loving, caring parents will demonstrate their love by their actions. Words can be trite or hollow and empty. Actions are usually for real.
Children will know they are loved and valued when their parents give them their time. By this I don’t mean some occasional contrived, “quality time” effort, but the day in and day out kind of time by just being there for them.
Children will know they are loved when parents do the happy things for them. The list of wonderful things to do is almostendless .
Children will also know, deep in their hearts at least, that they are loved when parents do the hard things for their best interest such as withhold the candy until after dinner,
Situations can become much more difficult and complicatedand may require some tough love and painful decisions on the part of parents. We have recently been given valuable help for such situations. In the October 2009 general conference, Elder Dallin H. Oaks spoke to us about “Love and Law.” He taught us how to love our children as our Father in Heaven loves us, His children. Elder Oaks stated, “The love of God does not supersede His laws and His commandments, and the effect of God’s laws and commandments does not diminish the purpose and effect of His love.” A careful study of Elder Oaks’ October 2009message is a “must” for parents.
Let’s talk about listening. . . A wise parent will take the time and interest to engage in active listening. Fathers and mothers will not only listen with their ears, they will also listen with their eyes. In fact, it is primarily through body language that children know their parents are paying attention. For instance, in addition to looking at the child, parents could lean forward or come down to the child’s level.
The main thing is to listen to understand so our children will feel understood.
Key times when listening is especially important are getting up times, coming home from school times or other activities, and bedtimes (even late into the night when necessary).
Bedtime visits can be a delightful time for parents as well as children. For one thing, a child is willing to talk in hopes of stalling bedtime a few more minutes. This is an opportunity for sharing by discussing the child’s happiest experience of the day, a time for story telling and story reading, and a time to listen to prayers. It sets the stage for sweet dreams.
There are many fathers who have a monthly interview-actually it is just an in depth conversation–with their children wherein they talk about whatever might be on their children’s minds: their friends, their schooling and activities, their plans and goals, and other relevant issues.
Children of all ages think this is pretty “cool.” Andrew, four-years-old, didn’t have much of an agenda, but he was nevertheless obviously pleased with his first interview. He beamed with joy as he announced afterwards, “Daddy says he loves Andrew Donovan Harris.”
It’s during bedtime routines and interviews and similar exchanges that a parent can help a child identify a problem. Once the problem is identified, the solution can be worked on. Six-year-old Nancy had trouble speaking plainly so she was seeing a speech therapist. One day she skipped home from her speech lesson and excitedly announced, “My speechteacher says I have only one more “yetter” to “yearn.” We knew which letter she needed to work on!
Loving and listening require a huge investment of time and effort on the part of parents, but doing so creates an openness wherein communication can take place. Good communication is a key to healthy relationships. The rewards are children who feel secure and strong enough to take responsibility for themselves and become self-reliant and who feel understood and valued enough themselvesto treat others with kindness and respect.
II An exemplary environment
Our children provided a lot of good times and laughter as they grew up. For example, we often had occasion to smile over our son, Greg, as a young boy. One day after reprimanding him for some reason when he was about 11, we reminded him that he should be an example. He quickly responded by saying, “Why do I need to be an example? I’m the youngest!”
As parents, we believed the words of Albert Schweitzer who said it best: “There are only three ways to teach children. The first is by example, the second is by example, and the third is by example.”
I am grateful for the good example of my parents’ lives. They showed my siblingsand me the value of an orderly and organized, yet flexible, way of life. They showed us how to be honest and industrious. We were taught the gospel by example as well as by precept.
My husband, Hank, is a wonderful example and leads me and a posterity that will soon number in three digits along the path toward eternal life. I can truthfully say that anything we see or hear him do or say, we can safely do or say. For example, he has never sworn or used unbecoming language, he has treated me with the utmost kindness and respect, he has provided well for us, he has been a devoted father, he has been a man of integrity in every aspect of his life,he is always of good cheer even as he suffers from Parkinson’s Disease at age 82, and he is completely faithful before the Lord.
Twelve-year-old Emmy Beckof Taylorsville, Utah decided that as one of her Personal Progress goals she would do baptisms for the dead in every temple in Utah by the time she was 16. Visiting the 13 working temples in the state led to wonderful temple excursions for her entire family. Not only has she reached this goal herself, but her siblings and several of her friends have likewise been inspired through her example to do the same.
The greatest sermon any one of us will ever preach is the sermon of our lives. Certainly an excellent way to learn about being self-reliant and respectful is to be surrounded by people who are fine examples of both attributes.
The Savior set the pattern when he said, “Come, followme.”
III A respectful, kind, caring environment
Let’s talk for a minute about situations that are not good.
A few days ago a friend told me that she had just heard her three-year-old granddaughter refer to her father as a“bone head.” Some adults in the roomthought it was funny and laughed; the grandmother did not. Neither doI think it’s funny.
Just as we were reminded in the musical, “South Pacific,” that children have to be taught to hate, they also have to be taught to be disrespectful. Three-year-olds don’t just make up such things; they are obviously mimicking poor behavior they have observed somewhere.
We have a large white board on the wall of the mudroom leading into our kitchen. Some of the grandchildren thought it was fun to write hate letters on it about the University of Utah and BYU football teams. Even little ones who could hardly write or spell were writing mean messages. Some of the grandchildren were for the Cougars, others for the Utes-we have a split family as far as university loyalties are concerned–but they were all being disrespectful. (Just for the record, Hank and I are both true blue Cougar fans.) Hank and I were not pleased that ugly rivalrywas going on right in our home. So, we stopped it. We explained that while it’s all right to have a favorite football team and cheer for it, we won’t tolerate disrespectful things said of the opposing team in our home. Happily, they all complied. Now, the white board bears messages, thank you notes and expressions of love to us grandparents. We like that a lot better.
People in general are becoming more casual in their appearance, in their behavior, and in their speech. Unfortunately some people are also becoming increasingly rude and crude in their conversations. My mother used to soap our tongues as children when we were little and would say something like “shut up.” It’s a sad commentary on our times when I think how busy Mother and her bar of Ivory Soap would be today.
If you ever wonder what kind of an example you are setting as a parent, just listen as your child talks to his or her stuffed animals or pretends to talk to someone on the phone.
There can be so much about us, frequently in our speech that is hostile to the Spirit. This is unfortunate because not one of us can afford to offend the Spirit.
We teach little children about “Magic Words” such as “please” and “thank you” and remind them to use them. It’s important that we take our own advice in dealing with our children and use these very words in our interactions.
With regard to teaching children respect, we must do three things:
-
- Exemplify respect in our homes and toward them through everything we do and say. There should be no way they learn any disrespect from us as parents.
- If they observe disrespect from any source, turn it into a teaching moment and take the time to discuss it.
- Have zero tolerance for any disrespectful act or word by your child. President Uchtdorf gave us the solution at general conference in April 2012 when he declared if something isn’t right: “Stop it!”
It’s easy for a tired or stressed parent to fall into a negative pattern and be cross and demanding as we interact with our children.When that’s the case, mostly what our children hear from us is: “Hurry up or you’ll be late,” “Pick up your clothes,” “Don’t forget to take your homework with you,” “Eat your vegetables,” “Stop making a mess,” “Do yourchores.
” “Stop slouching.” All too often, if we aren’t careful, such phrases can dominate our conversation during a day.
It can be helpful in avoiding thisbad habit to adopt the “Five to One,” ratio-that means endeavoring to say five loving, kind or complimentary things to a child for every one criticism or correction.
A child will typically balk at an order but is very eager to please for a hug and a thank-you.
You know the value of saying the nicest thing in the nicest way-smile, nod, hug, give pats on the back;write thank you notes; send love letters; stick smiley faces on their lunch bags or the bathroom mirror
Joseph Smith is recorded in the Nauvoo Relief Society notes, as saying:
Nothing is so much calculated to lead people to forsake their sins as to take them by the hand and watch over them with tenderness. When persons manifest the least kindness and love to me, O what pow’r it has over my mind, while the opposite course has a tendency to harrow up all the harsh feelings and depress the mind.
Another quote, this one by Elder Marvin Ashton, states: “The best and most clear indicator that we are progressing spiritually and coming unto Christ is the way we treat other people.”
I might add as I address you, a faithful Latter-day Saint audience, let there be respect on earth and let it begin with me. “By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.”
IV A Teaching and Training Environment
As we teach and train our children, it’s important to remember that not everyone is on the same schedule. We have to allow people time to grow in their own way and at their own speed.
Elder and Sister Oaks were our neighbors and fellow ward members for years. Onetime Kristen was telling us that she was distressed because a nephew she loved did not want to join the youth of his stake in an outing to Martin’s Cove. She was sad because he would not be having that great spiritual experience and she expressed her disappointment to Elder Oaks. He responded, “Don’t worry too much. I didn’t get to Martin’s Cove until I was 65.”
Some of the key attributes we want our children to develop through teaching and training them are obedience, respect, self-reliance,responsibility, punctuality,creativity, and spiritual maturity.
It is mostly through assigning them age-appropriate chores and teaching them how to do them that such qualities can be developed.
This teaching and training starts early. At our house as soon as a child was moved from a crib to a regular bed, we had him or her “fluff the pillow” each morning to get in the habit of making the bed.
I’ve always felt that making my bed and insisting our children make theirs helped me and them feel good about ourselves and got our day off to a good start. Now I know why. Jackie Ashton in a current(November 2012) and cleverly written Reader’s Digest article titled, “Happy Habit: Make Your Bed!” proclaims that ‘The state of your bed is the state of your head.’ She explains that making ones bed is a keystone habit and a keystone habit is a catalyst for other good behaviors. It helps one feel happy, motivated, and productive. She goes on to say how an act that takes three minutes (she timed it) can make such a difference in her life.”
I desired such a habit for our children. I wanted them to feel happy, motivated, and productive-basic ingredients for self-reliance.
We worked with them, side by side, hand over hand. We used “to dolists” and charts for their chores so they would know where to begin and where they could end and so that expectations were clear. We would also make other types of lists such as for items they should be responsible for packing for a vacation. It was their duty, not mine, to remember to include their bathing suits. When they were young we would check their workand preparations off to make sure things were completed and done to the best of their ability. What gets measured gets done.
We learned that three year olds are eager to help, especially if the job involves knives or water. By the time they are five, they don’t want to anymore, so we used tips and tricks to get them to work.
We had rules such as “Pick up is part of play.” (In other words, toys are to be picked up and put away at the end of the playing time.) “Put the house to bed before you go to bed.” (In other words, put away your toys and books and tidy up before you go to bed so you can wake up to a fresh start. In this way your day is a success before you even put your feet on the floor.” “No meals on wheels.” ( In other words, no eating on foot. Why should a mother have to clean three rooms just because a child ate one cookie? (This one single thing, no meals on wheels, saved my sanity and helped us maintain a happy climate in the home.)
We believed if we taught them to respect things they could touch and see, such as their toys and furniture, that they could more readily learn to respect people and eventually ideals that they could not touch and see.
We further taught them that if they could successfully manage one life and one room (their life and their bedroom), then as they progressed they could manage additional lives and more rooms. Those basic principles covered many facets of their lives. Beyond that it was just more of the same.
We kept working at such tasks until the day came they could handle any appliance and run the entire household if necessary or tackle any assignment or work opportunity.
Our third child, Diane, decided to make her own prom dress one year when she was in high school. She did well until she reached the point of putting in a concealed zipper that would go all the way up her back and some lovely long sleeves that were to be gathered at both the shoulder and wrist. She was inexperienced and asked me some questions, but I was leaving the house and told her I would help her later. As I returned home I could hardly believe what I saw-a perfectly placed zipper and beautifully set in sleeves.I asked her who had helped. “No one,”she replied, “I just read the guide sheet.”People who are self-reliant know how to read the directions.
TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW!